Drained but hopeful

I'm not totally sure why but the past week or so I've felt a little more tired than usual. I don't feel like I'm particularly busy or particularly stressed...or particularly antsy/restless. If anything, I guess I feel a little stressed and insecure. I keep on having nightmares. Not like super scary monster nightmares, but unpleasant personal situations and it's hard to get them out of my head but I feel like they aren't a big deal yet I can't seem to ignore them. But, they're also my own issues and I don't want to be a bother. It's like whenever I am happy I remember that things don't last forever and I'm not sure if I'm up to the challenge of big changes. I'm also on edge more often and I try not to let my temper get to me because the stupidest things will get on my nerves and then I can't handle it. Maybe other things have been accumulating and using the small details just act as triggers and excuses. That makes sense to me at least.

I am not ready to grow up, I'm not ready to leave, I'm not ready to get ready to leave, and I'm not ready to figure out how to do all of that. But, there's no choice, but I'm sure there are better ways for me to handle it. I feel like I'm flailing and trying to hold on to things when I know I probably shouldn't and need to just take the changes slow.

There are things about myself I'd like to change. I don't exactly like what I see lately. I don't like the insecurity, I don't like feeling dull, and I don't like feeling insignificant.

I just don't feel like I have all that much to say that is of much importance. Makes me just want to be quiet.

Change is necessary...but what?

Possibilities:
1) have more practical expectations...not that I think I'm impractical, but maybe I am because I don't like feeling disappointed
2) get more motivated about my applications because I need to get that done
3) sleep more/sleep less
4) write here more, I seem to be calmer afterward having put my thoughts somewhere, however vague as they may be...but, at least I generally know what I'm talking about.
5) write down my dreams
6) exercise more...although I think I can do that bc of this pass...it's an incentive for me to go to not waste money
7) spend less
8) stop fretting about what I'm doing and what people think
9) stop over analyzing and being skeptical

I'm just tired and don't know what to do. Maybe I should go to sleep. I don't think I'm in the mood to actually work on applications...that just means tomorrow will be busier. Oh Goody.

Half way

Before long first semester will be over. Before long my applications will be done!

Registration went smoothly for the first time EVER, I got everything I needed at the times I wanted! it was really close because for some classes they were filled up right when I finished....so relieved!!!

It's been pretty chill lately. We didn't go camping/backpacking for fall break cus it was Luke's birthday which was relatively fun except he was moody. But, he likes his new toys, and Luke likes seeing Josh and I. Hmm...yeah, it was chill and I got homework done. Went to Pumpkin festival with Josh and his fam, first corn maze (not that great..maybe try a diff one?), and FINALLY saw (500) days of summer which was AWESOME! I love the soundtrack and I have put it on my list of music to get.

So, that jazz cd I ordered for class...got lost in the mail? got a refund and had to use my emergency backup aka Iori's dad's collection. Drove Iori to his house to acquire 2 out of like 3000 jazz CDs. They're really good! I'm excited.

Mmmm...Jessanne has persuaded me to do cafe world on facebook and after some money wasted I am getting the hang of it! hahaha...

Errrm...Oh, my dorm just e-mailed us that the water pipe has a leak downstairs so we are to limit water usage and are to not shower until it is fixed. They have some emergency crew down there workin on it right now. I think it is hilarious and I would like to take a shower in the morning, please and thank you.

I feel so random and am procrastinating...and need to try to find time to pick up my dry cleaning tomorrow (why is that so expensive? I need to NOT buy stuff that needs to be dry cleaned unless the outfit is really expensive because then it'd be worth it...then again, I really like these two outfits a lot so I guess it's not just cost but worth to me.)

OK, back to working on my applications! personal statement...you know.

Epic night

Summing up Tuesday and Wednesday:

Tuesday:

• 8:30pm: Journey to C-Bus for TIESTO! (Jennie, Sin, Bang, Josh and I to see Tiesto and Vicki to see Casper) The back seat was cramped but cozy! and Jennie is music ADD.
  
• We discussed hot guys, the guys joined in on this conversation
  
• Arrive at like...10:30pm? Wait in line for an hour with friends of Sin and Bang which was a ton of fun! this Jake guy fooled us all with an awesome Irish accent.
• BoMA is AWESOME! it's so beautiful inside and it was crazy!
• TIESTO IS AMAZING
• Josh broke up a fight (some guy was tryin to punch this girl....a def no no)
  
• took lotsa pix but mostly a lot of videos!
• TON OF FUN :) :) :)! Highlight of my semester! want to go to moreeee!!!
• Josh was pretty upset that we missed Crystal Method though...but none of us knew he was playing...but we would've gone really early had we known.
• left at 3am, picked up Vicki, stopped at a gas station...I stayed awake the whole way
• back at 5am
• found the door mirror on the floor yet Carrie never woke up to that? amazing
• went to bed at 530am
• did not make it to work on time, sorta got in trouble? sorta...although I'm not the only one I think...we have two students that are like MIA...i was just late, not MIA and was busy while Janelle was gone bc I had to filter and prep sampling so I didn't get to do my own work much
• worked later
• ate food and did homework the rest of the time
• got candy for opening our door from the res hall advisor...then we closed the door...this building is so awkward...
  
• Josh brought me dark chocolate as a present/surprise! yayy <3
• Carrie and I chitchatted a lot...we distracted each other from work, twas fun.
• talked to Justine Precepa and Jessanne on fbchat
• Now I'm going to bed!

I love my life, but I really need to work on my applications...and I haven't studied for Jazz History exam that's thursday evening...so this evening technically...I should do that sometime...

SLEEP!

Good

Life is good.

I feel so chill lately. I haven't been super stressed in some time now! I am very excited. I mean there are a few things I get concerned about occasionally, but I am doing very well! So far school is good, life is good, family and friends are good...just need to try to get this whole grad school thing figured out and done! So far that is the only remotely stressful thing I think. That and maybe money. But, that's not a big deal right now. I just need to get myself motivated to work and save.

Oh, and I signed up for an academic year-long pass for group classes at the rec! pilates/yoga/zumba = much fun :). Although right now my right leg is killin me and it feels like its burning...I guess I can't do much exercise for a while because sometimes I get gimpy...though so far just at night. I hope I am better tomorrow!

This semester has gone by so quickly so far and in a way that is awesome but at the same time that means I'm just getting closer to growing up and being off on my own! But, for now, I'm just going to dwell on how well life is going :). I don't feel like writing more, my leg hurts. I want sleep. night loves.

GRE=Over

The GRE was much less stressful than expected but more physically demanding than expected. That just seems very strange to me. I mean the exam itself went rather well, and it was only a 40-ish minute drive there and back but I guess it must've been an intense ~2 hours in that cubicle because I felt really sore/tense and was slowly developing a headache. But, I believe it all worth it even if it made me feel that way. I guess it means I put effort into the exam, ahaha.

Mmm...watched much of the OSU-Illinois football game with Steph, then went shopping with Josh. That itself was a bit of craziness. The shopping itself was fine, but the traveling was a bit of a mess of confusion. I don't really want to think about it. I am still a little sad that right after I bought facewash from target I left it at Dick's sporting goods or something. ugh. But, I am very pleased with the replacement facewash I bought at Meijers...AND it is less expensive. So, that is of some consolation. After that? felt like a hormonal mess. But, I feel much better today and very normal. Hopefully I am well rested as I did get sleep, and I'm not doing anything all that stressful today. Apart from this homework? I'm goin to take it easy. Then before long I'm going to dive back in to the grad school prep with my application. I really need to get on that.

Goal? to not get overwhelmed. :)

I am so glad the GRE is over. I do not want to take it again...and I do not think I need to.

All to be finished by December 1st!

I've been studying GRE rather rigorously lately after I finish my homework and my brain is so tired! I think I've finally figured out how to get it all done though...like a schedule and whatnot. There is less than a month 'til my exam and I am hoping homework does not get any crazier because I want to do well because the schools I want to get into are demanding. Ugh!

I spent like 3 hours today going through all the public health schools and crossing off the ones that I:
1)have no chance of getting into
2)too far away--my logic is that if I were to go to school that far away I might as well go to a crazy awesome school or something and do peacecorps because that would pay for stuff and I would save money...because if I am that far I probably wouldn't really come home much...at all...like ever.

Before long I'll have chosen 4 schools to immediately send my GRE scores to...and depending on what scores I get...send to more schools...like if I did great, I'll send to more good ones, and if it
s just OK, I'll send scores to lesser-cool ones. I think that makes sense.


GAH!!!! I think I'm going to go crazy. GRE is very ... discouraging at times because GRE=Graduate School=Applications=Figuring out what I want to do with my life==>>>growing up and taking on all of the responsibilities and burdens of that. EEEEH!!!

But apart from all this school-related stuff my life is very good :), very, very good. So, I'm still pretty happy and just telling myself to take it easy when I can. Yep. *stretch* worn out. so worn out.

Beginning of September

Class has gone rather well and life is good.

Kait was home for a bit, that made me so happy.

Babysitting was nice and chill, then Josh came over, then Kait came over. Luke hadn't gone to the bathroom for many hours but he said he didn't want to go...at one point Kait was tickling him on the floor and the rest of us (except Josh) thought he may have hit his head on the floor but apparently he had peed on the floor by accident from all the tickling. Luke was so embarrassed and upset that he was crying...then he went to Josh to get picked up and be comforted. That was just tooo cute. Then Luke started throwing airplanes at Kait again and she would pretend to get injured a lot which made Luke very happy so he felt better about having had an accident. I have the best friends lol.

Went to Jenn,V, and some girls 21st bday party for a bit last night but it was more like making an appearance than anything as it was too crowded. Afterwards we played Apples to Apples and played with Sparta. I've had nice chill evenings even with random visitors in the room randomly and staying over the past couple of weeks, lol.