Need to be more realistic

One reason history is so important because it can never go away. It's been done and there is nothing we can do about it. (Unless somebody makes a time machine...) but even then, the future is influenced by the history. Memories never just disappear, they are always there...it's just that sometimes they are not recalled. This is a realization that I am reminded of frequently. It doesn't matter how I react in a way because it will not change the past. All I can do is just do what I can. I want to move forward.

I am trying hard to be happy with myself. I am myself, I am not somebody else. I realize that a lot of how people think of themselves is relative to that of others they feel they are comparable to or just what is perceived as the "norm." Although there are plenty of things I am unhappy with myself right now like...lack of motivation, bouts of moodiness/feeling down, weight gain in places I do not want (mostly thighs)...this is very annoying to me actually. I am by no means fat but I am also by no means in shape. I was much better off a year ago. I wonder what that says? Where was I in my life at that time?

man, this relationship resulted in significant weight gain. I don't know if this is a good thing because I am not happy with it. I hope this does not reflect on my own happiness.

I do try to be happy though.

I am trying to do things that make me happy and to not dwell.

I had lunch and hung out a little bit with Jenn T today. That was really good for me. I love my friends. My friends are some of the best things that has happened to me at Miami. These pleasant experiences make me feel like I'm moving forward in life...as well as the fact that I am graduating in the very near future. There are other memories...I could really do without and would just like to put behind me. it brings out an unpleasantness and qualities I do not like about myself. I am already aware of these qualities and do not need these reminders. But, it also reminds me of how certain people are so important to me and qualities in people I actually like and really appreciate. I want people with qualities I admire around me because I hope I can learn from them.

I am not the most book-smart person but this shouldn't reflect on lack of effort. I don't think I am lazy and if anything I usually wear myself out. Usually I am pretty driven and very curious.

I figure I've got to take care of myself because who else will? You never know what is going to happen and I might as well be prepared. Somebody's got to and I should remember myself more often. Sometimes being a little selfish is not bad. I also cannot expect others to care but just appreciate when they do. Sometimes this is hard....

and I know I have other qualities. I figure if I did not have any good qualities I wouldn't have friends... I care a lot about my family and friends and I do make a lot of effort in maintaining relationships. Sometimes this is tiring but usually it is tiring in a good way...very satisfying. I want them to be happy.My friends usually make me happy but I also know that it isn't helpful unless I am happy with myself to begin with because the added happiness then becomes so much more pleasant.

Nutella:want

So I found this on Kait's blog.

Nutella Snack & Drink

NomNomNOm. Want. Next time I go to NYC...

It's been a productive day so far. Class. Work. Lunch. Paper. Laundry. Some grad school stuff. now working on a very long research paper...more like starting the research. Goody.

if only i had nutella snack & drink...

Ending the weekend on a good note (finally!)

The morning was a little rocky but it improved greatly. Got some homework done...or at least the basic portion of my presentation...it still needs work but groupwork can be a hassle like making sure other people get their stuff done. Mmmm...late lunch/picnic at Hueston Woods. We watched a tree randomly fall down in the woods. Then Josh spotted his parents in the van so we stalked them and they eventually figured out we were behind them. Walked with them and the dogs through Cedar falls. It was nice. Then walked around Silvoor with the Beautiful flowers. Then went to the work center and walked around...then dug up some onion grass. Got curious about the bulb. ate it. It was really yummy! but the bulbs are TINY. Sooo...we revolved dinner around these things. Dug up a handful and got beef, potatos, cherrub tomatos, baby portabellas....and made dinner with these oniongrass bulbs. Maybe if he listened to my recommendations the meat wouldn't have been overcooked and we'd taste more of the onions...Oh well, what are you gonna do, right? Dinner was an experiment as it was and it wasn't expensive and it turned out quite yummy with the salad and such. Dinner=delicious. Good dinner for a good day. Who knew that a decade later I'd upgrade from the green part of the oniongrass to the bulb? the bulb is so much better! next attempt will be better.

i'm tired.

i wish i had gotten more done...like started my soc term paper...the reading part...omg. this is not gonna be fun, lol...but, must have faith!

I still think not gettin all that done was worth such a good day! I didn't want to start my week feeling crappy.

Bre-ak the pattern

I am tired of crying myself to sleep this week. It is time to change that. I've made efforts to but we'll see how this goes. It is looking somewhat hopeful.

I need to not be so anxious.

On top of it, having too much to get done does not help.

Changes to come!

I have officially decided to go to Ohio State University starting Fall quarter 2010. I decided this yesterday and immediately after talking to my dad on the phone and clicking the "Accept" button Steph and I went to Bell Tower to get food.

I got a fortune cookie. "You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally."

Awesome. Yesterday was a good day and had a celebratory ice cream. Chilled all day, got a new dress at Juniper, etc. For dinner, Steph, Carly and I went to Wild Bistro. Steph and I didn't order much as we weren't that hungry and didn't want leftovers. Still yummy. I got a new fortune cookie here...

"As long as you don't sign up for anything new, you'll do fine."

WHATT? This fortune sucks.

Good thing I clicked "Accept" BEFORE Dinner ;) haha.

Then went to the Eliot Chang stand up comedy show which was fun! a lot of laughter and the end was meaningful with his Diversity discussion. I really should relearn how to read/write Chinese.

Well, back to the OSU thing. I never really thought I'd end up going there but the more I think about it the better the idea sounds because it won't cost a ridiculous amount, it is a good education, I will get experience, and am not too concerned about finding a job. The loans from other schools would be about the amount you'd spend to buy a House. I know people going to OSU and it is not super far from Oxford at all. There is research at OSU I am interested in at least! We'll see what I can get to.

This will be the longest length summer ever. School doesn't start there til like September 21/22. Haha.

I need to find a place to live, details, details, details.

AND I need to find a job.

AND finish a lot of homework/projects. ugh.

One year

It has been such a great year together. I have become a better person because of this and am looking forward to many more shared memories of adventures, fun, and real life. I am happy to be with someone on the same wavelength who has much zest for fun, silliness, and life as I do and who has energy to match!

Finally watched Master and Commander though I was so tired I fell asleep for like 10 minutes or so. Good movie though.

I had too much caffeine. Hours ago. I am still going crazy. How am I going to make it through today?

P.S. probably going to OSU. Planning on having a final conversation with my parents before the official decision. I have accepted the practicality of this decision and am sort of looking forward to it. It is not nearly as prestigious as Michigan but Ohio is by no means a poor state and there are good potential jobs for me regardless, perhaps as a consultant for a state commission of minority health? If so I need to relearn languages maybe, lol. And I could always go back for more school...All I can do is trust in what life has for me, no matter what route I take. I do not know everything and life usually works out for the better as far as I can tell.

Relaxing Day

The Patterns of Development exam...I don't know how it went. There were a few dumb mistakes right off but I hope they do not cost me too much. Otherwise...I don't even know. I hope it wasn't bad.

Zoo lab was pretty easy.

walked over to Josh's, autozone trip, josh's fixed his break lights, went to josh's fam's house and we washed his car. NO longer bird poopy! stayed there for din, hung out, etc. Good day. I'm worn out, but I'm tanner!

Lots of exercise lately too. Yesterday in the rain, the storm, Steph and I went to zumba. Soaking wet. Had to Zumba without shoes. Totally worth it.

I should be productive right now but I am so worn out. I feel sporadic. So much going on through my head. I need to decide grad school soon. ugh. And a bunch of projects and studying. blehhh.