One reason history is so important because it can never go away. It's been done and there is nothing we can do about it. (Unless somebody makes a time machine...) but even then, the future is influenced by the history. Memories never just disappear, they are always there...it's just that sometimes they are not recalled. This is a realization that I am reminded of frequently. It doesn't matter how I react in a way because it will not change the past. All I can do is just do what I can. I want to move forward.
I am trying hard to be happy with myself. I am myself, I am not somebody else. I realize that a lot of how people think of themselves is relative to that of others they feel they are comparable to or just what is perceived as the "norm." Although there are plenty of things I am unhappy with myself right now like...lack of motivation, bouts of moodiness/feeling down, weight gain in places I do not want (mostly thighs)...this is very annoying to me actually. I am by no means fat but I am also by no means in shape. I was much better off a year ago. I wonder what that says? Where was I in my life at that time?
man, this relationship resulted in significant weight gain. I don't know if this is a good thing because I am not happy with it. I hope this does not reflect on my own happiness.
I do try to be happy though.
I am trying to do things that make me happy and to not dwell.
I had lunch and hung out a little bit with Jenn T today. That was really good for me. I love my friends. My friends are some of the best things that has happened to me at Miami. These pleasant experiences make me feel like I'm moving forward in life...as well as the fact that I am graduating in the very near future. There are other memories...I could really do without and would just like to put behind me. it brings out an unpleasantness and qualities I do not like about myself. I am already aware of these qualities and do not need these reminders. But, it also reminds me of how certain people are so important to me and qualities in people I actually like and really appreciate. I want people with qualities I admire around me because I hope I can learn from them.
I am not the most book-smart person but this shouldn't reflect on lack of effort. I don't think I am lazy and if anything I usually wear myself out. Usually I am pretty driven and very curious.
I figure I've got to take care of myself because who else will? You never know what is going to happen and I might as well be prepared. Somebody's got to and I should remember myself more often. Sometimes being a little selfish is not bad. I also cannot expect others to care but just appreciate when they do. Sometimes this is hard....
and I know I have other qualities. I figure if I did not have any good qualities I wouldn't have friends... I care a lot about my family and friends and I do make a lot of effort in maintaining relationships. Sometimes this is tiring but usually it is tiring in a good way...very satisfying. I want them to be happy.My friends usually make me happy but I also know that it isn't helpful unless I am happy with myself to begin with because the added happiness then becomes so much more pleasant.
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