cover by Lily Allen is so catchy and I think it'd do me good to listen to it more often-- so catchy and happy!
day: movies, magazine, family, chat with osu cph online, some school planning, yoga&pilates
good day
goal? more yoga&pilates, more walks, more reading, more sunshine ... a lot of time to myself has been good :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Preoccupied
My mind's been rather preoccupied lately. I didn't really think about anything today apart from school, apartment, some reading, and some playtime. I think this is good because then I don't get moody but it also means it's hard for my brain to just switch to something else. Not really a conversing type of day for my brain...more like productive.
Sprayed down the poison ivy I could see and the general vicinity in the backyard with RoundUp...hopefully it clears up and I can spray whatever is left and then mow the area down and just get that place back into order.
Rewrote my statement of intent for Epidemiology department, talked with the somebody from the college of public health on the phone, edited the statement, and then sent it in. Worked on lists and organizing stuff with Angeline, read a lot of my library book, finished up apartment applications (the main part), got things organized and they are ready to be mailed!
I have so many lists! and I think we've pretty much figured out who's getting what and stuff...
Only thing is I move the day before the labor day fireworks at Newport which means I probably won't see the fireworks and will just be in Columbus for a few days because I don't know if it'd be worth the drive back and forth. Although, it could be a little lonely at times in Columbus because I'm pretty sure Angeline is stayin with her fam in the hotel for a few days. Unless I have company. We'll see.
meep.
Sprayed down the poison ivy I could see and the general vicinity in the backyard with RoundUp...hopefully it clears up and I can spray whatever is left and then mow the area down and just get that place back into order.
Rewrote my statement of intent for Epidemiology department, talked with the somebody from the college of public health on the phone, edited the statement, and then sent it in. Worked on lists and organizing stuff with Angeline, read a lot of my library book, finished up apartment applications (the main part), got things organized and they are ready to be mailed!
I have so many lists! and I think we've pretty much figured out who's getting what and stuff...
Only thing is I move the day before the labor day fireworks at Newport which means I probably won't see the fireworks and will just be in Columbus for a few days because I don't know if it'd be worth the drive back and forth. Although, it could be a little lonely at times in Columbus because I'm pretty sure Angeline is stayin with her fam in the hotel for a few days. Unless I have company. We'll see.
meep.
As much as I want
I can be as smart and as happy as I want.
i do want more of both.
Especially now. I'm gonna need that for the next two years at least. Time to tackle an area I don't feel that great at but it's not something I feel like I can't figure out either. Biostats. soon enough...
I have plenty of time to play with numbers when I'm in Columbus...right?
Anyway, I had a lot of fun playing with legos today. First my fam went to to do Errands. It was originally just gonna be Mom and me going to Jungle Jims but then Luke wanted to go out and do stuff. That is a good thing, he needs to get out more. Anyway, so then dad has to go. we dropped them off at wal-mart and then the two of us went to Jungle Jims. Yummy sample foods. Bought awesome food. I am SO HAPPY the Mangos are GOOOD this time.
Talked with Josh some then he came to my house to play with Luke, hang, and then have dinner. It was fun. Luke shrieked a lot and was relatively well behaved. Legos, Missiles, and some outdoor fun as Josh successfully (after many attempts) got a rope over a particular branch to eventually make a swing. Working progress.
I have about a month or so left of summer. I am glad but I am excited to move to Columbus.
i do want more of both.
Especially now. I'm gonna need that for the next two years at least. Time to tackle an area I don't feel that great at but it's not something I feel like I can't figure out either. Biostats. soon enough...
I have plenty of time to play with numbers when I'm in Columbus...right?
Anyway, I had a lot of fun playing with legos today. First my fam went to to do Errands. It was originally just gonna be Mom and me going to Jungle Jims but then Luke wanted to go out and do stuff. That is a good thing, he needs to get out more. Anyway, so then dad has to go. we dropped them off at wal-mart and then the two of us went to Jungle Jims. Yummy sample foods. Bought awesome food. I am SO HAPPY the Mangos are GOOOD this time.
Talked with Josh some then he came to my house to play with Luke, hang, and then have dinner. It was fun. Luke shrieked a lot and was relatively well behaved. Legos, Missiles, and some outdoor fun as Josh successfully (after many attempts) got a rope over a particular branch to eventually make a swing. Working progress.
I have about a month or so left of summer. I am glad but I am excited to move to Columbus.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Dear John
Thoughts that came up as I read this book. Some of it I feel like I forget and know that it's important in real life. They are such simple lessons but right now, they feel meaningful and it's nice to be reminded.
1) When I feel like I'm struggling, everybody else around me is struggling and to them, their struggles feel just as hard and their struggles are valid too.
2) Don't compare people. Don't expect the current person is necessarily like the past. You chose the current because you did NOT want the past.
3) With love you put the other's happiness before yours. Of course, this works better when this is mutual, lol.
4) You never forget. You may try to, but it's impossible. You may think about it less with time. It's hard not to fall back into the past and be nostalgic and try to stay connected especially during tough times.
1) When I feel like I'm struggling, everybody else around me is struggling and to them, their struggles feel just as hard and their struggles are valid too.
2) Don't compare people. Don't expect the current person is necessarily like the past. You chose the current because you did NOT want the past.
3) With love you put the other's happiness before yours. Of course, this works better when this is mutual, lol.
4) You never forget. You may try to, but it's impossible. You may think about it less with time. It's hard not to fall back into the past and be nostalgic and try to stay connected especially during tough times.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Budget
Made a budget today. Especially since the Quarry is so freakin' expensive I'm going to need to buckle down and budget like crazy.
Other will probably be basic things like toiletetries, toilet paper, stuff that comes up...basic stuff.
This isn't including the cost of furnishing the apartment from the ground up either. Who knows what else is going to come up. What if the car dies, what if my laptop breaks, what if I get really sick...I mean these are things I cannot anticipate.
I'm probably never eating out. Not going to spend money on stuff like concerts and stuff probably. I don't know how I can. I've already been spending too much lately, not very responsibly. I can't continue as if I just have these "unlimited" resources. I don't want to take out loans until I have to. My parents are generous enough to fund up to a certain amount but that'd get me through maybe a year and half. If my budget doesn't work or financial circumstances make it so my parents can no longer help, then more loans. I want to avoid it as much as I can. Signing up to live at such a place pretty much means I need to forgo the other stuff that I don't actually need. I don't know if I should get a part time job. If I do my weekends will probably be totally gone. So much for seeing anybody or going home if that happens. I don't want to take out loans just to live "comfortably" because I've been comfortable enough so far but I can't be spending money like this. Because I'm not going to expect anybody to help... I need to learn to just take care of myself because I need to learn and before long I won't have any help at all. Trying to budget this out makes me feel a little bit better but it still is stressful.
Although the calculations cannot be totally accurate because there are expenses I may not have in the summer or expenses I may have more of. I just don't know. Because my lease is a whole year I'm going to just live in Columbus for the summer and work full time (this is the plan). Although I think I may have to do a practicum and/or study abroad for a short period of time to fulfill requirements for school. I am hoping that working will make a significant difference and put off student loans and hopefully not use them at all. I mean if I accumulated 1k a month I could literally just barely survive summer on my own financially. I don't know if I could even do That.
I'm also a little anxious about some of the courses I'm going to be taking once I switch departments because I know 3 of them are goin to be very challenging for me because I don't care much for numbers. Although I would like to maybe have a small work study, I don't know if I could actually handle it. As and Bs are crucial because you aren't really even ALLOWED to get a C, its a requirement of the program, or of any masters/doctorate program really from what I can tell. Knowing that just sorta stresses me out regardin courses I know I won't be that great at.
Tuition: 11,310/year
Parking pass: 250/year
Books and Supplies: 1,600/year
Apartment (Rent, water, gas, electric, internet): 8,500/year
Food: 3,600/year
Gas/Fuel: 1,200/year or so
Other: 1200/year
TOTAL:$$$$27,660/year$$$$$
=2,305/month
So essentially for 9 months I will be around 24k. because school is only for 9 months my expenses are calculated differently.
Note to self: Ok, so lets say I just have tuition/books/supplies/parking paid right away (theoretically) at the beginning of the school year. That is 13,160. Ok so I have $10,872 of living and stuff during school (9months) so my budget of actual spending (including rent) is $$1,208/month. (TRY TO KEEP IT UNDER THIS) That is a number I can keep in mind when I am actually looking at my bank account in terms of cost for living.
Parking pass: 250/year
Books and Supplies: 1,600/year
Apartment (Rent, water, gas, electric, internet): 8,500/year
Food: 3,600/year
Gas/Fuel: 1,200/year or so
Other: 1200/year
TOTAL:$$$$27,660/year$$$$$
=2,305/month
So essentially for 9 months I will be around 24k. because school is only for 9 months my expenses are calculated differently.
Note to self: Ok, so lets say I just have tuition/books/supplies/parking paid right away (theoretically) at the beginning of the school year. That is 13,160. Ok so I have $10,872 of living and stuff during school (9months) so my budget of actual spending (including rent) is $$1,208/month. (TRY TO KEEP IT UNDER THIS) That is a number I can keep in mind when I am actually looking at my bank account in terms of cost for living.
Other will probably be basic things like toiletetries, toilet paper, stuff that comes up...basic stuff.
This isn't including the cost of furnishing the apartment from the ground up either. Who knows what else is going to come up. What if the car dies, what if my laptop breaks, what if I get really sick...I mean these are things I cannot anticipate.
I'm probably never eating out. Not going to spend money on stuff like concerts and stuff probably. I don't know how I can. I've already been spending too much lately, not very responsibly. I can't continue as if I just have these "unlimited" resources. I don't want to take out loans until I have to. My parents are generous enough to fund up to a certain amount but that'd get me through maybe a year and half. If my budget doesn't work or financial circumstances make it so my parents can no longer help, then more loans. I want to avoid it as much as I can. Signing up to live at such a place pretty much means I need to forgo the other stuff that I don't actually need. I don't know if I should get a part time job. If I do my weekends will probably be totally gone. So much for seeing anybody or going home if that happens. I don't want to take out loans just to live "comfortably" because I've been comfortable enough so far but I can't be spending money like this. Because I'm not going to expect anybody to help... I need to learn to just take care of myself because I need to learn and before long I won't have any help at all. Trying to budget this out makes me feel a little bit better but it still is stressful.
Although the calculations cannot be totally accurate because there are expenses I may not have in the summer or expenses I may have more of. I just don't know. Because my lease is a whole year I'm going to just live in Columbus for the summer and work full time (this is the plan). Although I think I may have to do a practicum and/or study abroad for a short period of time to fulfill requirements for school. I am hoping that working will make a significant difference and put off student loans and hopefully not use them at all. I mean if I accumulated 1k a month I could literally just barely survive summer on my own financially. I don't know if I could even do That.
I'm also a little anxious about some of the courses I'm going to be taking once I switch departments because I know 3 of them are goin to be very challenging for me because I don't care much for numbers. Although I would like to maybe have a small work study, I don't know if I could actually handle it. As and Bs are crucial because you aren't really even ALLOWED to get a C, its a requirement of the program, or of any masters/doctorate program really from what I can tell. Knowing that just sorta stresses me out regardin courses I know I won't be that great at.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Lessons from the Bachelorette
I realize it probably really silly to be writing about a tv show but it's been suuuch an intense episode this week.
Frank had to go home because there were feelings he had not dealt with concerning an ex girlfriend. In the back of his mind he would think about her and was always insecure about his relationship with the bachelorette whenever she was with other guys (Hey, it's part of the show). Right before Tahiti he went to Chicago to confront his feelings to get "closure." His ex girlfriend, in my opinion, comes off as a bitch. I don't think she'll take him back, I just think she didn't want him with somebody else that was way cooler than her. But, whatever, Good thing Frank is gone. What a jerk. Does closure even exist? I don't know. But if you have reservations it's probably NOT a good idea to hide them, very unfair to whoever you're with. A lot to think about.
When you choose somebody it doesn't necessarily mean it's right because they have to choose you too. It's a two way street in that way. People come and go and we shouldn't think too much about the past because there is probably a reason they aren't in the present and won't be in the future. I'd say that people break up for a reason. Relationships, romantic or not, generally end for a reason. Life happens.
Frank had to go home because there were feelings he had not dealt with concerning an ex girlfriend. In the back of his mind he would think about her and was always insecure about his relationship with the bachelorette whenever she was with other guys (Hey, it's part of the show). Right before Tahiti he went to Chicago to confront his feelings to get "closure." His ex girlfriend, in my opinion, comes off as a bitch. I don't think she'll take him back, I just think she didn't want him with somebody else that was way cooler than her. But, whatever, Good thing Frank is gone. What a jerk. Does closure even exist? I don't know. But if you have reservations it's probably NOT a good idea to hide them, very unfair to whoever you're with. A lot to think about.
When you choose somebody it doesn't necessarily mean it's right because they have to choose you too. It's a two way street in that way. People come and go and we shouldn't think too much about the past because there is probably a reason they aren't in the present and won't be in the future. I'd say that people break up for a reason. Relationships, romantic or not, generally end for a reason. Life happens.
Monday, July 19, 2010
New home
Josh was a good sport and went to Columbus with me. he wasn't too happy about being sleepy and hungry or my driving but we made it to destination 1 at fox and hounds. got along with the girl but the apt was just tolerable I guess. anway didn't get it cus she decided to go a "different direction " which may mean she is keepin both rooms but the rent Is cheap enough that even I could... easy
then went to Easton Towne center which I love. josh sat a lot cus he was sleepy but lunch temporarily helped. then met prospect 2 but her expectation for rent was a little too low but she was really pretty nice.
new home in Columbus is definitely not cheap! but it's a lot for the money...gated, beautiful, huge, alll the amenities, a lake. Josh really liked it too. i think we both fell in love with the location and he was excited to see actual quarries at The Quarry where I plan on living once app and other paperwork is done like insurance and financial stuff is figured out. there aren't any real pix online of the inside of the apt but it is very beautiful, trust me. furnishings is also another thing to deal with. I did get the cutest measuring spoons from Anthropologie though!
I have been so stressed and the whole process has been a nightmare and overwhelming. i also need to figure out how to switch departments for school...I don't really know what I'm doing but it's not from lack of trying. I had facebook stalked, emailed, called a ton of people and places on top of meeting everybody and seeing everything. there is still a lot to do but here is a start.
I am thankful to have people supporting and encouraging me through this process and am glad Josh went today. it was a fun day and it is just very reassuring and helped limit stress!
to the future!
Link to the best website I could find to the Quarry that had pictures of the inside, it's not all exactly like this but it's a good idea of what there is there...It's gonna be expensive. sigh.
then went to Easton Towne center which I love. josh sat a lot cus he was sleepy but lunch temporarily helped. then met prospect 2 but her expectation for rent was a little too low but she was really pretty nice.
new home in Columbus is definitely not cheap! but it's a lot for the money...gated, beautiful, huge, alll the amenities, a lake. Josh really liked it too. i think we both fell in love with the location and he was excited to see actual quarries at The Quarry where I plan on living once app and other paperwork is done like insurance and financial stuff is figured out. there aren't any real pix online of the inside of the apt but it is very beautiful, trust me. furnishings is also another thing to deal with. I did get the cutest measuring spoons from Anthropologie though!
I have been so stressed and the whole process has been a nightmare and overwhelming. i also need to figure out how to switch departments for school...I don't really know what I'm doing but it's not from lack of trying. I had facebook stalked, emailed, called a ton of people and places on top of meeting everybody and seeing everything. there is still a lot to do but here is a start.
I am thankful to have people supporting and encouraging me through this process and am glad Josh went today. it was a fun day and it is just very reassuring and helped limit stress!
to the future!
Link to the best website I could find to the Quarry that had pictures of the inside, it's not all exactly like this but it's a good idea of what there is there...It's gonna be expensive. sigh.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
You win some and you lose some
So the book I've been reading appears to be helpful. I mean as I read it I feel like the words have potential to be useful and they point out a lot of things about myself very clearly. Growing up I did feel emotionally neglected and it's been instinctual to be on the defense and be resentful. It's like the more I try to control my circumstances or emotions the more out of control I end up being. I guess growing up I learned to just suffer in silence. I find it difficult to not be cautious, to not play it safe or to not want approval. It's difficult for me to just be aware of how I feel at the present. It is also difficult for me to not expect or anticipate a negative response. I don't mean to be negative which results in moping but it is hard to break a habit that has been a part of me all my life.
I am trying to learn to be responsible for how I feel and to not expect people to react a certain way and to just risk my feelings through expression. It'll take a while to learn how to appropriately express them without sounding defensive and I can't expect others to respond in a non defensive manner either because my communication is not to be determined by the response I receive. The point is to just share and to let go, and to not just suffer in silence and bottle it up because the resentment just spreads to other places and affects people I care about. I am not going to expect encouragement but I would greatly appreciate it. But, even if I end up being judged or negatively responded to, that is not something I can or should feel the need to control. Because these expectations lead into the present and just leads to pain. Even though in my head I tell myself, "Oh, I don't care how they respond" what I am actually feeling is "I doubt anything will come out of this" and I've already set myself up to be disappointed. It's hard to just let go and just really be open to the possibilities and results.
Need to work on this more. it doesn't really help that sometimes people point things out that I hadn't originally had a problem with and then it becomes one. I should just deal with it right away and not think so much about what things could be.... I can't say that when I try to communicate more I'm going to get positive responses, but at least I'll know I made some effort and hopefully learned something with each attempt...
you win some and you lose some.
I am trying to learn to be responsible for how I feel and to not expect people to react a certain way and to just risk my feelings through expression. It'll take a while to learn how to appropriately express them without sounding defensive and I can't expect others to respond in a non defensive manner either because my communication is not to be determined by the response I receive. The point is to just share and to let go, and to not just suffer in silence and bottle it up because the resentment just spreads to other places and affects people I care about. I am not going to expect encouragement but I would greatly appreciate it. But, even if I end up being judged or negatively responded to, that is not something I can or should feel the need to control. Because these expectations lead into the present and just leads to pain. Even though in my head I tell myself, "Oh, I don't care how they respond" what I am actually feeling is "I doubt anything will come out of this" and I've already set myself up to be disappointed. It's hard to just let go and just really be open to the possibilities and results.
Need to work on this more. it doesn't really help that sometimes people point things out that I hadn't originally had a problem with and then it becomes one. I should just deal with it right away and not think so much about what things could be.... I can't say that when I try to communicate more I'm going to get positive responses, but at least I'll know I made some effort and hopefully learned something with each attempt...
you win some and you lose some.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Root for Reds
last night's reds game was the first for two Thai girls, one Chinese girl, and two Danish girls. I am glad it was such a good game and we managed to coordinate 11 people with seating! good food, good company, good game. it's random but MC Hammer was there too, didn't see him up close or anything but it was still neat.
Hopefully today is nice and chill, then I get to leave early morning to go to Columbus! I want a home!
Hopefully today is nice and chill, then I get to leave early morning to go to Columbus! I want a home!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Chinese upbringing
So I'm talking to Kait right now about various Asian cultures. We began by talking about the Indian caste system and how strict it is but how it actually does work and now we're on to talking about the Chinese upbringing.
There are many pros and cons to it. It is driven by hard work and aim towards economic/social success.
My parents are actually a lot milder on me than a lot of other Chinese families I know. I don't know if it is because they are actually different or because of the circumstances of my upbringing (them being really busy). They don't totally fit in with the other Chinese families around here, if anything they sometimes find it annoying with how nosy they can be. But, the basic guidelines of upbringing are still present.
Parents invest everything they have in their children in order for them to be successful. This is demonstrated through school, funding school, funding productive/useful extracurricular, music lessons to be cultured, and whatever else they can manage. In turn the children need to work hard, be respectful, and responsible. Filial responsibility is assumed and unconditional. It is internalized and even if you want to get away from it and not do it it is too difficult because then it is followed by the consequences of guilt. Guilt is a big thing. Fear is also another I think.
Traditionally it doesn't take many mistakes to make great falls so mustering all efforts towards success and not making mistakes is crucial. I am so glad I don't live in China because school sounds scary. But, you end up with the stereotypical nerdy, crazy hardworking people who are socially "awkward" from a western view.
Make a mistake, its not necessarily that the mistake itself is that big of a deal but to make sure you remember it and limit the possibility of making such a mistake guilt and fear is used (from what I can tell). Bad daughter, don't use brain so it's useless, unappreciative, selfish, wasteful, etc. The reflection is blown out of perspective but once it blows over it is normal again. You forget about it for a while until something else happens. It is just a cycle. I understand what the point of it is but it is not very fun.
I am very thankful my parents aren't nearly as strict and crazy. They don't compare me to other people's kids much, they dont' freak out if I get a B and they were at least ok with the two Cs...they don't make me do nearly as much as the other kids and I've never been physically disciplined. In the past they at least talked to me more and explained stuff more, and we did have more serious conversations, not so much now with Luke because everybody is just on edge, tired, and just snaps but I am hoping in a few years things will ease up and it'll just be easier to communicate in general because that is a major flaw I have that I am aware of.
I suck at communicating about feelings. That was never emphasized growing up. One goal, one line to it, don't step off the path. It would just be a distraction. I am more aware of it as time goes by and it drives me crazy trying to figure it out and then I always feel guilty. I am tired of going through life feeling guilty so much. I probably don't need to feel nearly as bad as I do and as often but living here I know there are adjustments in my life I need to make because circumstances require it. I don't live in China, or anywhere in Asia. I don't even have that many Asians around me. Just as immigrants here need to learn English because that's the world here. You take what you can and learn to better fit in and to be more successful, not just economically, but socially. We are social beings and need to function as such.
I am trying to work on this because it is important to me and I am looking forward to positive results. I know it will only make me happier and that's also another good goal to have.
I really appreciate my parents and my upbringing as it has instilled a sense of responsibility, work ethic, drive, and attachment to my family. We just have more to work on but I'm pretty hopeful about that too. I love them dearly and I know they mean the best for me, I just have to remain calm and to not over react so much...and to not bottle my feelings up so much because that isn't healthy.
I mean the closer I am to somebody the harder it is for me to share because it sorta feels like there is more at stake. I am used to small mistakes with big consequences. Its more risk but I know without risk there is no payoff. Its just a lot to process. It's a control thing. Not sharing is like struggling to control the circumstances because I always want to know where I am going, what I'm doing, what is going on, etc. I am very particular about details...sorta drives me crazy sometimes but I mean with school stuff -- it works. It's hard to just let go but sometimes you do it because you have to and hopefully with more practice it because more natural.
Hopefully the books I downloaded on my ipod help. I mean, it can't be any worse than where I am now at least lol.
There are many pros and cons to it. It is driven by hard work and aim towards economic/social success.
My parents are actually a lot milder on me than a lot of other Chinese families I know. I don't know if it is because they are actually different or because of the circumstances of my upbringing (them being really busy). They don't totally fit in with the other Chinese families around here, if anything they sometimes find it annoying with how nosy they can be. But, the basic guidelines of upbringing are still present.
Parents invest everything they have in their children in order for them to be successful. This is demonstrated through school, funding school, funding productive/useful extracurricular, music lessons to be cultured, and whatever else they can manage. In turn the children need to work hard, be respectful, and responsible. Filial responsibility is assumed and unconditional. It is internalized and even if you want to get away from it and not do it it is too difficult because then it is followed by the consequences of guilt. Guilt is a big thing. Fear is also another I think.
Traditionally it doesn't take many mistakes to make great falls so mustering all efforts towards success and not making mistakes is crucial. I am so glad I don't live in China because school sounds scary. But, you end up with the stereotypical nerdy, crazy hardworking people who are socially "awkward" from a western view.
Make a mistake, its not necessarily that the mistake itself is that big of a deal but to make sure you remember it and limit the possibility of making such a mistake guilt and fear is used (from what I can tell). Bad daughter, don't use brain so it's useless, unappreciative, selfish, wasteful, etc. The reflection is blown out of perspective but once it blows over it is normal again. You forget about it for a while until something else happens. It is just a cycle. I understand what the point of it is but it is not very fun.
I am very thankful my parents aren't nearly as strict and crazy. They don't compare me to other people's kids much, they dont' freak out if I get a B and they were at least ok with the two Cs...they don't make me do nearly as much as the other kids and I've never been physically disciplined. In the past they at least talked to me more and explained stuff more, and we did have more serious conversations, not so much now with Luke because everybody is just on edge, tired, and just snaps but I am hoping in a few years things will ease up and it'll just be easier to communicate in general because that is a major flaw I have that I am aware of.
I suck at communicating about feelings. That was never emphasized growing up. One goal, one line to it, don't step off the path. It would just be a distraction. I am more aware of it as time goes by and it drives me crazy trying to figure it out and then I always feel guilty. I am tired of going through life feeling guilty so much. I probably don't need to feel nearly as bad as I do and as often but living here I know there are adjustments in my life I need to make because circumstances require it. I don't live in China, or anywhere in Asia. I don't even have that many Asians around me. Just as immigrants here need to learn English because that's the world here. You take what you can and learn to better fit in and to be more successful, not just economically, but socially. We are social beings and need to function as such.
I am trying to work on this because it is important to me and I am looking forward to positive results. I know it will only make me happier and that's also another good goal to have.
I really appreciate my parents and my upbringing as it has instilled a sense of responsibility, work ethic, drive, and attachment to my family. We just have more to work on but I'm pretty hopeful about that too. I love them dearly and I know they mean the best for me, I just have to remain calm and to not over react so much...and to not bottle my feelings up so much because that isn't healthy.
I mean the closer I am to somebody the harder it is for me to share because it sorta feels like there is more at stake. I am used to small mistakes with big consequences. Its more risk but I know without risk there is no payoff. Its just a lot to process. It's a control thing. Not sharing is like struggling to control the circumstances because I always want to know where I am going, what I'm doing, what is going on, etc. I am very particular about details...sorta drives me crazy sometimes but I mean with school stuff -- it works. It's hard to just let go but sometimes you do it because you have to and hopefully with more practice it because more natural.
Hopefully the books I downloaded on my ipod help. I mean, it can't be any worse than where I am now at least lol.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
travel and decisions
gahhh so much driving, all over Columbus and I am so tired. loved hangin w Jennie and Stephanie though! explored n shopped. I am so overwhelmed though. I don't know if I will really have a roommate n don't know where I will be living but need to know sooooon.... gahhh aaaahhh maybe when I'm less tired I'll give full update of my adventures
Saturday, July 3, 2010
July
It hasn't been July for very long. It's been a good day. Spent the first half apartment hunting, talking to people, figuring stuff out, called Colin who talked forever explaining stuff. He's been very useful and resourceful through this process and it's good to know somebody who knows what they're talking about.
Went laser tagging for Fei's dad's birthday with her family and their friends + Lauren M. which was a ton of fun. I totallllly dominated :), was first by a decent amt first round, and second the second round. We beat the other teamm by a long shot the first round and barely lost the second round. Good time. I wandered around the whole course by myself most of the time, I found it was mroe successful tonight that way and I targeted their red base at the end of each round which helped. It was fun. Amy was freakin out on the way back thinkign Fei was driving too fast and fei was freaking out on the way there about how she had to lead the trip and didn't like the gps or know where she was going...oh it was amusing trip in general.
Afterwards Fei, Lauren and I went to bdubs to see Ali and Ian before she moves away. Man, he knows more Disney than I do, esp. Pixar and can quote like everything. Likes toy story 3 probably more than me and made fun of me for not crying during that movie as if I dont have feelings like every other girl did. It was funny. I did think some parts were emotional but nto quite enough to cry for...oh well. I also think I'm more aware of the regions of Cbus than Ian cus I was explaining where stuff was and the housing situations, I'm glad I stared at so many maps lol.
Hm...Yeah, morning I get to go to PA. Goody. If I wasn't I'd probably go to Cosci with fei's family cus they're doing that this weekend, jealous! I've never been but I suppose once I move to cbus I can go as much as I want!!! win.
I am mostly happy I did so well at laser tag, it is fun, it made me feel accomplished today ha ha ha, as silly as that sounds. Competitive enough? for today, sure. I'm sad summer is so close to being over (it seems that way) but I am pretty excited to move to cbus. Whatever happens happens I guess.
Went laser tagging for Fei's dad's birthday with her family and their friends + Lauren M. which was a ton of fun. I totallllly dominated :), was first by a decent amt first round, and second the second round. We beat the other teamm by a long shot the first round and barely lost the second round. Good time. I wandered around the whole course by myself most of the time, I found it was mroe successful tonight that way and I targeted their red base at the end of each round which helped. It was fun. Amy was freakin out on the way back thinkign Fei was driving too fast and fei was freaking out on the way there about how she had to lead the trip and didn't like the gps or know where she was going...oh it was amusing trip in general.
Afterwards Fei, Lauren and I went to bdubs to see Ali and Ian before she moves away. Man, he knows more Disney than I do, esp. Pixar and can quote like everything. Likes toy story 3 probably more than me and made fun of me for not crying during that movie as if I dont have feelings like every other girl did. It was funny. I did think some parts were emotional but nto quite enough to cry for...oh well. I also think I'm more aware of the regions of Cbus than Ian cus I was explaining where stuff was and the housing situations, I'm glad I stared at so many maps lol.
Hm...Yeah, morning I get to go to PA. Goody. If I wasn't I'd probably go to Cosci with fei's family cus they're doing that this weekend, jealous! I've never been but I suppose once I move to cbus I can go as much as I want!!! win.
I am mostly happy I did so well at laser tag, it is fun, it made me feel accomplished today ha ha ha, as silly as that sounds. Competitive enough? for today, sure. I'm sad summer is so close to being over (it seems that way) but I am pretty excited to move to cbus. Whatever happens happens I guess.
Friday, July 2, 2010
funny
funny how one never gets the whole story
hmmm
Erie , pennsylvania for the weekend... this could be fun? or just annoying.
this summer is too busy considering I barely work... pretty much right after I get back from Erie I get to drive to cbus again to look at apts n meet future roomie... then right after I get home is feis 21st birthday... then I'm sure something will come up again.
work Here n there...
already made 2 trips to cbus... hopefully this is the last one to determine where I live ... then I can start preparing lists n shopping...
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