You win some and you lose some

So the book I've been reading appears to be helpful. I mean as I read it I feel like the words have potential to be useful and they point out a lot of things about myself very clearly. Growing up I did feel emotionally neglected and it's been instinctual to be on the defense and be resentful. It's like the more I try to control my circumstances or emotions the more out of control I end up being. I guess growing up I learned to just suffer in silence. I find it difficult to not be cautious, to not play it safe or to not want approval. It's difficult for me to just be aware of how I feel at the present. It is also difficult for me to not expect or anticipate a negative response. I don't mean to be negative which results in moping but it is hard to break a habit that has been a part of me all my life.

I am trying to learn to be responsible for how I feel and to not expect people to react a certain way and to just risk my feelings through expression. It'll take a while to learn how to appropriately express them without sounding defensive and I can't expect others to respond in a non defensive manner either because my communication is not to be determined by the response I receive. The point is to just share and to let go, and to not just suffer in silence and bottle it up because the resentment just spreads to other places and affects people I care about. I am not going to expect encouragement but I would greatly appreciate it. But, even if I end up being judged or negatively responded to, that is not something I can or should feel the need to control. Because these expectations lead into the present and just leads to pain. Even though in my head I tell myself, "Oh, I don't care how they respond" what I am actually feeling is "I doubt anything will come out of this" and I've already set myself up to be disappointed. It's hard to just let go and just really be open to the possibilities and results.

Need to work on this more. it doesn't really help that sometimes people point things out that I hadn't originally had a problem with and then it becomes one. I should just deal with it right away and not think so much about what things could be.... I can't say that when I try to communicate more I'm going to get positive responses, but at least I'll know I made some effort and hopefully learned something with each attempt...

you win some and you lose some.