Fobby entertainment

some favorites from "my dad is a Fob" (fresh off boat)

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Before we had cell phones, my friend called me on a weekend where I was out of the state and my dad answered:

Dad: Hello?
Friend: Hi, May I please speak to June?
Dad: Oh! She is in Washington DC! She be back next Wednesday.
Friend: Huh? Oh, okay… have her give me a call when she’s done. *click*

Later that week when I saw her at school, she said to me in a serious tone,

“June, hi! I called you this weekend but your dad said you were washing the dishes and he said you’d be done Wednesday. I didn’t know it takes that long for your family to wash dishes.”
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I was at a Chinese restaurant with my dad today. My chopstick skill is apparently not to my dad’s liking…

Dad: When are you going to learn how to use your chopsticks properly? I’ll teach you.

Me: What, I’m fine. I can pick food up, that’s all that matters.

Dad: It’s like I’m giving you the choice between a Yugo and a Mercedes.

Me: What’s a Yugo?

Dad: It’s a car they made a long time ago, they made a lot of them and then they’d break down because they were bad. You keep driving your Yugo, but I’m offering you a Mercedes.
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Today, at dinner.

Dad: You know, John (the son of one of his friends) got into Harvard for grad school.
Me: Uh-huh.
Dad: John is a very nice boy. Very obedient to his parents.
Me: Okay.
Dad: It would make me very happy if you married him one day. Maybe when you are twenty-three and out of grad school.
Me: Look, Baba. First of all, I’m seventeen. Secondly, I’ve never even spoken to this John person.
Dad: He got into Harvard. What more could you ask for in a guy?
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My father and I were on a college road trip when Beyonce’s Single Ladies came on the radio.

Dad: ALL THE SINGLE LANES! ALL THE SINGLE LANES!
Me: What?
Dad: What funny song, sing about single lanes. Look we’re on single lane!

Later that day, my dad took a wrong turn and got stuck near a government building. Two police officers came out to offer help.

Police Officer: Sir, you’re going in the wrong direction.
Dad: I WAS STUCKED!
Police Officer: Just go through those cones up ahead.
Dad: O! SANK U!
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So my dad and I were finishing up a road trip and we were at the Canada/US border.

Customs Agent: Do you have anything to declare?
Dad: No
Customs Agent: No drugs? Alcohol? Firearms?
Dad: We bought lots of coke. BIG pack of coke.
Customs Agent: Sir?
Me: He means this (I point to the 24-pack of Coke in our back seat)
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I forward my dad an e-mail about how having a sister is associated with greater levels of happiness. His response:

I THINK IT MAKES ALOT OF SENSE. LUCK YOU AND LUCK ME AND LUCK WE.
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My dad texted me while I was out at dinner with friends..

Dad: U need me pick u up? Dun eat too much, U be fat. -daddy
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Our toilet clogged up and began to spew putrid brown water.

Dad: Hah-nee, you go and call help.

An hour later, the plumber arrived. My dad answered the door.

Dad: [loudly] Ha-llo! You toilet boy?

The plumber left and didn’t come back.
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Dad once e-mailed me a “guideline” or set of criteria that he and Mom created to help me measure against a potential boyfriend.

This is my current thinking, it is not cast in stone. The points system is the guidelines. It might change a little, but not that much.

1) Christian 50 points
2) Same or similar family background in term of social, economic and educational 5 points each
3) Health 10 points
4) Education 5 points for PhD Professional, 3 points for Master, 1 point for BA
5) Personality 10 points
6) 10 points parent’s discretion

Our Passing grade is 85 points, out of 100 points.

85 of 100 is a passing grade? That’s pretty generous, considering that 10 years ago in high school, 95% was “barely an A”.
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A lady came to rent the upstairs apartment and my dad was curious and asked her…

Dad: Are you UFO? Because I am.
Lady: o.O?

What my dad wanted to ask was if she’s a FOB, but used the wrong acronym. In the end the lady left and never called back.
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I had my girlfriend over for dinner and my mom was cooking Korean seafood pancakes. My dad tried to explain the main ingredient:

Dad: Uh… Big head.. Lots legs..
Me: Huh? What are you trying to tell her dad?
Dad: You know. BIG head. LOOOOOOTS legs. (Making a circle with his finger in the air, and then quickly making zig-zags to draw legs)
Me: You mean octopus?
Dad: Duh. BIG HEAD LOTS LEGS WHAT’S MATTER WITH YOU.
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Howdy, Daughter,

Happy Birthday to you!

This is your first birthday in China since you left China in 1989. After 20 years, you have become an elegant and intelligent girl who has accomplished a lot in America and then returned to China with great honors. Your hard work and studies has pushed you to a very good position. As your parents, we are very proud of you!

You have 4 more years to get your JD/MBA. Then you will get a decent job and salary, too. After that, we wish you find a new boyfriend and then marry to him. You are smart enough to recognize who is your man to stay with for many years, hopefully for whole life.

Happy Birthday again!!!

Mom and Dad
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Dad: Hey Brian, your acceptance letter from UC Irvine came today!
Me: What really? Let me see!
Dad: HAHA No i’m joking. April Fools!!
Me: …Dad thats not funny. It’s not even April!
Dad: …MARCH MADNESS
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My dad was teaching math at Chinese School:

“So, next week I will be proving geometry prostitutes.”
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Dad: Kimson, i have to remind you EVEY time. What is your focus? You want to be pregnant, disgrace family, with 5 kid and no daddy? Your focus is always school. Bring home the A, not the baby. You stay away from boys! they just good to carry heavy “tings” for you. like textbooks. and fix things. like leaking refrigerator.
Me: WHAT?
Dad: Have you fix drip yet? Ask your mexican friend help you move a little to turn off ice maker. Anyway, i remind you that no sex until marry.
Me: whatever dad.
Dad: And for you that is maybe 30. No boy like you anyway. You need PHD. Bring home the diploma and a nice vietnamese docta. Then we will see.
Me: DAD!!!!!!! OKAYYYYYYY.
Dad: You don’t okay me. Okay for little scrub. You say yes dad. AND DON’T LET ME SEE YOU GO ONTO SECRET VICTORIA on computer! you buy that red sexxciting and boy go crazy! I don’t Like!
Me: oh my god
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So my dad was attempting to help me with my mandarin homework one day.. and we were on the subject of Idioms. The idiom was “mu bu zhuan jing”, which means a high level of concentration.

Dad: It means looking like this. (and he just stared directly straight)
Dad: look like this, but your eyeball don’t move. like this. (and then he showed us how his eyes didn’t move)
Dad: see, my pupils not moving! right?
me: you mean it’s like staring?
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My Dad (who doesn’t speak any English) and my boyfriend (Caucasian) have been attempting to chat online, with the help of some terrible translation websites. Suddenly, both of them simultaneously IM me.

Boyfriend: I’m trying to tell your dad that our friend Kelly has mice in her house and joked about borrowing our cat. I think I said it wrong…

Dad: Why is your boyfriend trying to sell me your cat?
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My dad calls me from the store and asks what I want. I respond “Chips or something crunchy and salty.”

He comes back with ‘Beggin’ Bacon Strips‘.

A popular snack.

For dogs.
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So we were on our way to a Chinese New Year party, and this was the convo we had.

Dad: I’m a B.I.P, we come early so we park in their garage.
Me and my sister: B.I.P?? You mean V.I.P?
Dad: No ! I’m B.I.P ! Berry Important Person, you know what I’m saying !
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Last year, my family went to the wedding of a family friend who was marrying into a Caucasian family.

In the car on the way up:
Dad: What’s Helen’s husband’s name?
Me: The groom? Chase.
Dad: Cheese?
Me: No, Chaaaase.
Dad: Cheeeeese?
Me: Chaaaase.
Dad: Chaaaeeees?
Me: uh… better.

Later, during the reception, the groom’s younger brother walks by our table:

Dad: What’s Chese’s brother’s name?
Me: Silas.
Dad: What? SA-LA?! What’s with this family? One son called Cheese and the other Salad!
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Dad: Should I get Blueberry Boat?
Me: A what?
Dad: Blueberry Boat. That or iPod Touch Phone?
Me: iPhone?
Dad: iPod phone.
Brother: Do you mean a BlackBerry Bold?
Dad: Blueberry Bold, you know what I meant.
Brother: BLACKBerry Bold.
Dad: Blueberry Bold. I know it’s called that, don’t think your Daddy stupid.
Brother: But it really is-
Dad: Remember what I said last time about correct me on Blueteeth?
Me: It’s BlueTOOTH-
Dad: See, I know better than you two, I won’t get trick anymore.
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