I always felt that I was a pretty secure person for the most part and that I had a pretty good self esteem. But there are times when I feel this is not the case and it makes me wonder why. A few thoughts I've come up with?:
So far, I know I am human and susceptible to vulnerability, but I always try to...I don't know if it's suppression though...Anyway, I put a lot of effort in just handling it myself and telling myself to stay up. I think I've always had a hard time accepting and reacting well to help in general, internally at least. Compliments are generally not well received. Not because I do not appreciate them but I don't really know how to respond and feel that just returning the same compliment back is pretty lame because how is the other supposed to know that you mean it genuinely or out of politeness? Maybe I should not think too deep into things. But, I really do feel like I try to look at things objectively, to rationalize my circumstances, to talk myself into understanding things a certain way--whichever way is most productive and hopefully positive. I feel like my live revolves around moving forward but sometimes I feel that makes myself move backwards. Maybe too much effort is put towards furthering book-smarts and getting a career running to the point that some other aspects of my life lag behind. It is difficult to really understand priorities at times. All these together make me feel as if maybe I'm not nearly as secure as I feel I come off as at all. Sometimes it feels like I am expected to be this way, to be strong, to not be super emotional. Sometimes it's really hard to find a happy medium. I've noticed this especially when somebody says something startling (funny, stupid, etc.) that people don't think I understand. Maybe there is lag time between my understanding and my reaction and sometimes that is interrupted to prevent the reaction to begin with. Strange.
I've always had trouble really expressing myself. Maybe I'm too concerned with what people will say or think especially if I feel they have already come to expect certain responses. I wish I was simpler (especially to myself). Whenever I watch how other people express themselves I get frustrated because I wish I knew how to do the same with as much fluidity. We talked about this sort of thing in class and even though I don't really want to analyze myself in this way (because it'll sound like I'm blaming something/somebody) but it's something to think about. How are children brought up and socialized? this affects how they interact as adults.
My brother and I are brought up similarly yet very different. When I was a child my parents had a pretty rough time. It wasn't particularly easy getting by and they were always really busy. I remember this rather well. They were always really busy and I was always around children much older than me. I started preschool early (and stayed an extra yr for that) because my parents were both working during those times and it was sorta like daycare in the Philippines. Sometimes I stayed after "school" until my parents were free with some sort of temporary guardian. I guess I always sorta felt like a mini adult in a way and yet feel like a child that can't grow up. Everything with my parents is incredibly practical. I do not discuss my emotional distress with them...just about ever. Never really have actually...it does not come naturally. They aren't really like that themselves as well. As I got older they were still pretty busy and I spent more time with peers my age. They were boys. I felt more like a child those days which was a good thing for me. Even then I still felt I could not approach my parents with things that bothered me because I always felt they were either busy or it was something I needed to do and learn myself. This may be why I insisted on learning to ride the bike myself (I snuck out to a parking lot to learn) and started out playing keyboard by myself. I have trouble being taught yet thrive on being surrounded by people (strange). It just bothers me that even though I have thoughts I am not sure as to how to express them in specific detail because I've never really understood them thoroughly myself. Sometimes I wish I was not such a careful person and could just throw it all out into the wind to let it fall where it may. yet, that's risky. And I'm not really risky. I feel sorta messed up right now, hah.
I love my parents and I look up to them. They have given me a lot of life tools and I thank them for making me so rational and practical about life. But, even so, no parent is perfect and maybe its the imperfection that makes it better because maybe that's why I feel more aware of my upbringing. I really do wish I had been more encouraged instead of feeling like I am obligated to do things. Life feels like such a responsibility and I really just want to live more of it and not to dwell on things that affect my life negatively. I am more likely to hear about ways I need to improve as opposed to good things I have already done and accomplished. I am used to having the negative things assumed of me to my face but things are getting better, and hopefully even better as time passes. I know that they feel that this is the way that is best for me but maybe it's because I do not react. My not expressing and not acting upset may just encourage this because it seems OK and appropriate. Maybe if I were to come off as much whimpier and more emotional I would get different treatment. I do not know. I've explored such possibilities and usually there is little improvement. As hard as I try there are times where I just don't feel like I'm living up to what I should be. It's difficult for me to just accept my own insecurities about myself but it does help to think about it, ya know?
Life would be much easier without expectations yet I don't know if I would really be where I am without such expectations existing. I guess this makes life interesting, trying to figure things out on the way, hoping to not slip up and have it all fall to pieces. I really do want things to change for the better, I just don't really know how to start or where to go. maybe I should not step so carefully, maybe I should be noisier. But, then another side of me tells me that am I capable of doing so? should I? have I come far enough to have enough room to allow myself this? or does that even exist? Am I responsible enough? Am I good enough? Questions that may never have answers. We'll see.
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