really. Thursday night was a BLAST and absolutely insane. No way could Friday have lived up to that. It started out pretty chill, not particularly productive...
dinner with Josh was nice but I've felt Blah most of the day and night. I tried to perk up more but sometimes it just gets to the point...of...whatever. I did not particularly enjoy the fireworks. They were pretty, but I was just grumpy. Things just are not the same anymore maybe. That and I need to clear my head. Stress is not fun. Hah, so I guess I'm just the type that if something important is coming up, it will preoccupy my mind. I really should get a handle on that bc that is like...all the time. I really need to start being productive and it's freaking me out and I can't stop thinking about it and it's taking over my life. It's just getting difficult trying to be everywhere (or at least feel that way) and feel like there is just too much to do. It is no fun being overwhelmed so easily even if it doesn't look like it but any of my friends will know that I am often overwhelmed. No matter what I do I feel like I'm not doing a sufficient job of being there for people. It's becoming too difficult to keep track of things and people and I get so frustrated. I really need to clean my room because it is really bugging me that I don't know where random stuff is. There are people I haven't seen much of and I feel like everything is slipping. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself and I really shouldn't. It makes it difficult to handle any more pressure from the outside and when I am overwhelmed I either freak out or just hold it in to try to stay calm. It's like forcing myself to act normal in the hopes to feel normal. n..yeah, that doesn't seem to work so well for me. UGH. Frustration.
I am on edge lately and it sucks. Sometimes I just want to be alone and to not think about anything. To be perfectly calm and quiet. Like that's ever going to happen. PSH. Life won't stop and I keep on trying to not be left behind but maybe I need to just stay behind and wait for the next train to come by. I love being around people but sometimes I just want to be a hermit.
But no, another aspect of my nature is trying to be accommodating. Maybe I should be less conscious of these things. It's not working out for me anyway, i feel like I'm just frustrating people anyway and that just frustrates me further. And like being overwhelmed, frustration just makes me really quiet and controlled. I am too controlled. I feel like even though I am not outwardly aggressive I feel so ... internally aggressive. I'm just not in a good mood and I really hope it gets better. Really.
Blogs are for ranting I guess.
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