beautiful day

I did not have much trouble waking up this morning. It is so beautiful outside and I was a little anxious because today is the LAST day of classes of my whole undergraduate...years. I did put a little effort into my outfit today and I felt it is very different from the first thing I wore to class freshman year. Less pastel and more "professional"? I have changed so much over the years yet haven't changed at all. I am still here but hopefully a better version of myself. I love Miami and I will miss going here very much but I am hoping that it is not just because of the people I have been surrounded by but because how I am in life and respond to life...and how I just take life in. I hope this will come with me to Columbus and that those two years will be as good as these past four.

Steph and I walked to our last Biochem class together this morning. It went by quickly enough and afterwards we went to Shriver for breakfast (second breakfast for me). She says the look on my face was indescribable. That is about how I felt at the time. I had no idea how I felt...if anything I was just confused and blank at the same time. I am almost done-done. No more classes...Wow.

After class I bumped into Laura M. and we talked for like an hour, just catching up. I enjoy talking to her even though I never see her. I hope to see more of her this summer and I know she'll be at Miami for grad school for another two years (Mech. Eng.).

Then I dilly dallied a bit, changed, and headed out the door towards the Rec. Then I bumped into Iori and there went another good half hour. It was good conversation...talked about fieldwork, school, future, people...good conversation.

I really love my time at Miami. There have been times that I feel like I hated but at the same time, it's brought me to where I am now and I feel like I've got a good deal going for me right now.

I have met some amazing people and I have great people in my life. I don't want to take any of it for granted and I hope to continue good relationships with them because they have proved to be true friends.

I did finally work out though! 40 min of cardio felt really good. I can mostly feel it in my calves though, but at least I feel it somewhere! I just have to keep this up. So it's been like 4 times this week or something? yay.

So I did really well on my zoo lab final after all but that class is still going to be borderline as far as grades go. Even to just barely get a B I need to get a B on the final. I can tell you that won't be easy because she seriously is confusing on her exams and it is hard to do well at all.

Biochem? Yeah, I need to get a B to feel safe in that class too.

OMG and Sociology? I never thought a soc class would ever be on the border like this either. Seriously. It's a HUMANITIES class, I've only got like one non A+ in these things ever...and just trying to get a B has been a lot of effort? This does not make sense at all!

It is hard to find the motivation to really study and get ready for stuff right now. I have to tell myself that my final grades and final GPA is not going to affect my likelihood of finding a job right now. The only thing it affects is me because I want to do well for myself but at the same time I know I am trying hard and that there is a lot more to life than your GPA. You could be a genius and just fail at life...and isn't life important? we only have one...and we have multiple chances at a GPA...

I need a shower. Grilling out for dinner with friends tonight! I hope the rest of the day is as good as it has been so far.

Crazy

This whole end of the year thing is literally driving me crazy.

There's a fork in the road. Now what?

✔Class

✔Work out

✔Eat some

✔Clean floor

✔Give GRE book away to Eva

✔Give sweater, and 3 pairs of shoes, shirt, etc. away to Sharefest box

✔Organize some stuff in closet

I need to take better care of myself.

I have yet to:
STUDY a lot, pack? hot tub? There is yet a dvd to watch before it is due Monday. So sometime before then...maybe even more exercise :)

Trying to keep myself together. Trying to take care of myself :)

Note to self: learn to love what is good for you and be good to those you love

Sunshine

I'm so glad that it is sunny today even if it makes my glasses uncomfortable.
It's a pretty full day but I am enjoying my temporary off time. After lunch I took a break and then went to the rec. I really need to exercise more. Really. Bumped into John Bercaw there, he had just finished working out and was watching tv. Was surprised.

I keep on feeling good, then bad, then good, then bad. Back and forth. Gonna try to be happy :)

New Sight

So these glasses ... I found the exact ones online now that...I have them on my face! Bebe Peekaboo eyeglasses. Actually I did not know there was zebra on the inside until today, I must have forgot. But, much better than leopard! They are pretty nice and fit well. The prescription is a lot stronger than the old glasses but it was due. It does make me a tad dizzy for now, mostly at like end of room distance...I can see really far without being dizzy and like a book...but a few meters is goin to take some adjustments.

I really didn't know I was This blind, hah. Maybe when I'm like 35 I'll get Lasik. That is assuming I make money. ;) But Dang, these glasses are expensive.... anti glare and polycarbonate. They better last. I will wear contacts less. The guy says he can order from the distributer the old focus night and day contacts I like...the new ones accumulate too much protein that doesn't come off or something somehow. He seems to understand a lot as he used to work for Bausch and Lomb and such...I really like that place, even if everything is $$$.

I got there early for my eye appointment and left at 10:30 from uptown. Class was pretty good. Probably her first efficient/clear/best lecture ever. Katia's class was actually enjoyable today. I don't know if it is because I was in a good mood or because it's about HER research. I bet it is both...it went by really fast and she talked really fast.

The zoo lab exam today...was harder than expected. Very detailed and specific. Yeah, even if I studied more it wouldn't have helped. Whatever, over it. Jennie then took me uptown to get my glasses.

I really like them even if they make me a tad dizzy. They make me look professional? and grown up/smart. It makes me feel more put together b/c I could really use that right now.

To be productive or not? Din with Jen in an hour, then I should probably work on homework/study. Sigh. A lot of things I SHOULD do but I am enjoying my day...so we'll see...literally ;)

concentration

is very much lacking.

It's been a pretty good day. Really did NOT enjoy waking up this morning. took my GREEN notes to class because I ran out of printer paper. Went to work for a short while...thought my phone died there but Janelle helped me clean it so *whew* it is alive!

Little lunch. Lay down for a bit. Jennie then came over and we went over our notes/slides and such to study for our lab final in the morning. Showered. Dinner at La Mia Cucina w Josh. It was delicious! I want more dessert. I need to resist! aka not gain more weight.

I think the fever may have passed for now. Bieber fever I mean. We will see.

Umm...I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I look at my lab notes and just go...ugh...so many words and I condensed it as much as I could. I am not looking forward to my finals in general. At least once they're over they're over and I can just ... not think about it again!

So I go in to get an eye exam in the morning before class and lab exam. Hopefully they have my prescription in inventory so I can get my glasses tomorrow. I am pretty excited.

They look A Lot like this EXCEPT the "bling" b (for "bebe") is Silver and there is no weird animal print stuff. Jennie likes it and so does the guy at the store who seems very knowledgeable. Jennie and I have similar tastes so at least I know it is not a bad choice. It looked good. I have not seen it in a week so I hope it still looks good.

Less than two weeks left.

of undergrad.

Today's been alright. Super productive but distracted a lot at the same time. Errands at walmart with Jocelyn...and I finished my term paper...well, pretty much anyway. I've just got to do some editing and such. I finished my weekly seminar writing assignment (LAST ONE!)....read the article for lab meeting tomorrow...and glanced over the material for the zoo lab final that is Tuesday...went to Benton twice to deliver food to Josh while he worked on some group project. It was a nice study break even though I was frustrated trying to find the room the first time around.

AND Desperate Housewives was insane! Jocelyn and I Skyped during the show and we were both just blown away by the episode. Can't wait for next week!

Now I am pretty much done for the evening. I'm sort of tired. I haven't finished homework this early in a LONG time. I suppose if I wanted to overachieve I could start studying for my 4 finals...but, I am sort of tired and am just a little anxious. Still feeling a little hesitant and insecure but that is normal enough. Last weekend. over. wha? I'm not gonna study. I want to revel in some free time of doing nothing. I don't know if I want to let myself think because I want to continue having a pretty good day.

My back/neck sorta hurts/is sore. I should go deal with that now.

Lisa is right, saturday nights are better

Woke up and had Bob Evans. YUM. I was so hungry and ate everything so fast. Went to Josh's to make sure he was doing ok from Friday night. Didn't seem too hungover at all (unlike Jennie who was quite sick for a while). Went uptown and got stuff with Jocelyn. Brought food to Josh. Josh had me drive his car and it went horribly. I was still a little groggy/sleep deprived and the yelling confused me too. Maybe I just can't drive? I am confused. Went to hang out with Jennie. Josh came over after he toured an apartment.

We just chilled, then went to Kroger, came back and Jennie made us a delicious dinner. Then we chilled and then went to Walmart. Walmart was fun, I am surprised nobody kicked us out for sword fighting, biking, hoolahooping, footballing...very fun. After a long time we eventually bought Clue. Nobody else had played clue before and I havent played for a while. It was an awesome game. We didn't use much of a strategy for a while and we were all just getting so into it. Eventually josh won. I was so close if only I had made an accusation right before him. Poor Jocelyn got locked out of like every room or didn't roll enough to move anywhere good. Josh and I ended up with a headache from that game. then we had pie. watched part of hot tub time machine. then went for a walk n left.

It was a good saturday. I am going to miss these kind of saturdays...thanks, Graduation. I am going to miss people.

Last "free" weekend: The Good, Bad and Ugly

Highlights:
Dinner and movie with Jennifer (Back up plan), Tonic with Stephanie and Edwina (Strawberry Bellini!), Pre-Game shots at Jennie's (Mango Absolut), 45 East, Seeing my Lisa <3

Not so good parts: Feeling rejected and unattractive, Frustration

Good part again:
Thanks to my friends for understanding and trying to make things more clear.

Jennie's right, I am a strong person and I shouldn't let anybody let me feel down about myself, intentional or not. I should not have reacted the way I had by just walking out of the car without as much as a goodbye but at that point I was just too frustrated to say anything at all. I am hoping that when people care they try to understand but I suppose if not then there is only so much I can do about it.

I am awake. I have slept like 3-4 hours. Jocelyn, Jennie, and Tri are still asleep. I was told to wake everybody up when I woke up...yeah, not going to do that because nobody wants 4 hours of sleep. I just can't seem to fall asleep again. I'm tired and anxious.

I am getting hungry. I wish people were awake here.

Need to be more realistic

One reason history is so important because it can never go away. It's been done and there is nothing we can do about it. (Unless somebody makes a time machine...) but even then, the future is influenced by the history. Memories never just disappear, they are always there...it's just that sometimes they are not recalled. This is a realization that I am reminded of frequently. It doesn't matter how I react in a way because it will not change the past. All I can do is just do what I can. I want to move forward.

I am trying hard to be happy with myself. I am myself, I am not somebody else. I realize that a lot of how people think of themselves is relative to that of others they feel they are comparable to or just what is perceived as the "norm." Although there are plenty of things I am unhappy with myself right now like...lack of motivation, bouts of moodiness/feeling down, weight gain in places I do not want (mostly thighs)...this is very annoying to me actually. I am by no means fat but I am also by no means in shape. I was much better off a year ago. I wonder what that says? Where was I in my life at that time?

man, this relationship resulted in significant weight gain. I don't know if this is a good thing because I am not happy with it. I hope this does not reflect on my own happiness.

I do try to be happy though.

I am trying to do things that make me happy and to not dwell.

I had lunch and hung out a little bit with Jenn T today. That was really good for me. I love my friends. My friends are some of the best things that has happened to me at Miami. These pleasant experiences make me feel like I'm moving forward in life...as well as the fact that I am graduating in the very near future. There are other memories...I could really do without and would just like to put behind me. it brings out an unpleasantness and qualities I do not like about myself. I am already aware of these qualities and do not need these reminders. But, it also reminds me of how certain people are so important to me and qualities in people I actually like and really appreciate. I want people with qualities I admire around me because I hope I can learn from them.

I am not the most book-smart person but this shouldn't reflect on lack of effort. I don't think I am lazy and if anything I usually wear myself out. Usually I am pretty driven and very curious.

I figure I've got to take care of myself because who else will? You never know what is going to happen and I might as well be prepared. Somebody's got to and I should remember myself more often. Sometimes being a little selfish is not bad. I also cannot expect others to care but just appreciate when they do. Sometimes this is hard....

and I know I have other qualities. I figure if I did not have any good qualities I wouldn't have friends... I care a lot about my family and friends and I do make a lot of effort in maintaining relationships. Sometimes this is tiring but usually it is tiring in a good way...very satisfying. I want them to be happy.My friends usually make me happy but I also know that it isn't helpful unless I am happy with myself to begin with because the added happiness then becomes so much more pleasant.

Nutella:want

So I found this on Kait's blog.

Nutella Snack & Drink

NomNomNOm. Want. Next time I go to NYC...

It's been a productive day so far. Class. Work. Lunch. Paper. Laundry. Some grad school stuff. now working on a very long research paper...more like starting the research. Goody.

if only i had nutella snack & drink...

Ending the weekend on a good note (finally!)

The morning was a little rocky but it improved greatly. Got some homework done...or at least the basic portion of my presentation...it still needs work but groupwork can be a hassle like making sure other people get their stuff done. Mmmm...late lunch/picnic at Hueston Woods. We watched a tree randomly fall down in the woods. Then Josh spotted his parents in the van so we stalked them and they eventually figured out we were behind them. Walked with them and the dogs through Cedar falls. It was nice. Then walked around Silvoor with the Beautiful flowers. Then went to the work center and walked around...then dug up some onion grass. Got curious about the bulb. ate it. It was really yummy! but the bulbs are TINY. Sooo...we revolved dinner around these things. Dug up a handful and got beef, potatos, cherrub tomatos, baby portabellas....and made dinner with these oniongrass bulbs. Maybe if he listened to my recommendations the meat wouldn't have been overcooked and we'd taste more of the onions...Oh well, what are you gonna do, right? Dinner was an experiment as it was and it wasn't expensive and it turned out quite yummy with the salad and such. Dinner=delicious. Good dinner for a good day. Who knew that a decade later I'd upgrade from the green part of the oniongrass to the bulb? the bulb is so much better! next attempt will be better.

i'm tired.

i wish i had gotten more done...like started my soc term paper...the reading part...omg. this is not gonna be fun, lol...but, must have faith!

I still think not gettin all that done was worth such a good day! I didn't want to start my week feeling crappy.

Bre-ak the pattern

I am tired of crying myself to sleep this week. It is time to change that. I've made efforts to but we'll see how this goes. It is looking somewhat hopeful.

I need to not be so anxious.

On top of it, having too much to get done does not help.

Changes to come!

I have officially decided to go to Ohio State University starting Fall quarter 2010. I decided this yesterday and immediately after talking to my dad on the phone and clicking the "Accept" button Steph and I went to Bell Tower to get food.

I got a fortune cookie. "You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally."

Awesome. Yesterday was a good day and had a celebratory ice cream. Chilled all day, got a new dress at Juniper, etc. For dinner, Steph, Carly and I went to Wild Bistro. Steph and I didn't order much as we weren't that hungry and didn't want leftovers. Still yummy. I got a new fortune cookie here...

"As long as you don't sign up for anything new, you'll do fine."

WHATT? This fortune sucks.

Good thing I clicked "Accept" BEFORE Dinner ;) haha.

Then went to the Eliot Chang stand up comedy show which was fun! a lot of laughter and the end was meaningful with his Diversity discussion. I really should relearn how to read/write Chinese.

Well, back to the OSU thing. I never really thought I'd end up going there but the more I think about it the better the idea sounds because it won't cost a ridiculous amount, it is a good education, I will get experience, and am not too concerned about finding a job. The loans from other schools would be about the amount you'd spend to buy a House. I know people going to OSU and it is not super far from Oxford at all. There is research at OSU I am interested in at least! We'll see what I can get to.

This will be the longest length summer ever. School doesn't start there til like September 21/22. Haha.

I need to find a place to live, details, details, details.

AND I need to find a job.

AND finish a lot of homework/projects. ugh.

One year

It has been such a great year together. I have become a better person because of this and am looking forward to many more shared memories of adventures, fun, and real life. I am happy to be with someone on the same wavelength who has much zest for fun, silliness, and life as I do and who has energy to match!

Finally watched Master and Commander though I was so tired I fell asleep for like 10 minutes or so. Good movie though.

I had too much caffeine. Hours ago. I am still going crazy. How am I going to make it through today?

P.S. probably going to OSU. Planning on having a final conversation with my parents before the official decision. I have accepted the practicality of this decision and am sort of looking forward to it. It is not nearly as prestigious as Michigan but Ohio is by no means a poor state and there are good potential jobs for me regardless, perhaps as a consultant for a state commission of minority health? If so I need to relearn languages maybe, lol. And I could always go back for more school...All I can do is trust in what life has for me, no matter what route I take. I do not know everything and life usually works out for the better as far as I can tell.

Relaxing Day

The Patterns of Development exam...I don't know how it went. There were a few dumb mistakes right off but I hope they do not cost me too much. Otherwise...I don't even know. I hope it wasn't bad.

Zoo lab was pretty easy.

walked over to Josh's, autozone trip, josh's fixed his break lights, went to josh's fam's house and we washed his car. NO longer bird poopy! stayed there for din, hung out, etc. Good day. I'm worn out, but I'm tanner!

Lots of exercise lately too. Yesterday in the rain, the storm, Steph and I went to zumba. Soaking wet. Had to Zumba without shoes. Totally worth it.

I should be productive right now but I am so worn out. I feel sporadic. So much going on through my head. I need to decide grad school soon. ugh. And a bunch of projects and studying. blehhh.