4 days left

It's Tuesday afternoon, I'm feeling pretty lazy and I have a sore throat.
It was sorta itchy yesterday and now it feels more swollen and even more difficult to swallow.  At least I don't think I have a fever and I don't have the sniffles (yet?). I've had a good couple of days. Shopping trips, food, movies, friends, etc.  I'm a little sad to leave but I'm sort of excited for my new home. I also started packing, if you can even call it starting...I put like two drawers of clothes in a suitcase. Now my brother wants to play. Skyline tonight! aha.

Herd of Deer

There were 6-7 deer in my yard when I walked home tonight. They startled me and they all stared at me, or at least looked towards my direction trying to figure out what I was...They didn't run away at least. It was pretty cool.

I need to be home more.  That's what I plan on doing Friday. Today.

I need to figure out what's bothering me so much that makes me unhappy because I need to fix it.  I'll distract myself and make an effort to be happy but it doesn't last as long as it should.

I need new dreams.  Searching for more things to look forward to.  Having more things to work towards.  That helps.

goals? some sort of relevant job/experience at OSU amongst the other things I need to learn to become a grown-up.  transition.

New dreams? looking.
Things to look forward to? good change, new friends, new opportunities, and hopefully good experiences with challenges.

9 days and counting

The thing about the past is, you can't get away from it, good or bad, it's there.

Another thing is, the past doesn't change so more likely than not, you stick to your first impression.

It's all through a perspective. Key, A perspective.  Whether or not it's right? I don't know.  What is true anyway? Sometimes it's just relative.

But one thing for sure, it's the past and it's easy to let the past shadow the present and future.  It's always right behind you and sometimes right where you are. Can't run from your shadow.  I guess all you can do is step on it...or step into darkness...or just don't look at it, lol.

It's even worse if you feel like the shadow.

I'm a little tired of shadows. You can't touch them yet they hold such importance. How annoying. Just.Can't.Get.Away.  I don't want to step into the darkness yet I don't want the shadow. Not looking at it doesn't really do any good so far because even if you're not looking for it, you see it. I guess all I can do is have the light directly above me and just step on it. There...I guess I have to step into the very bright light.

P.S. I got a new baby flashlight. The light is green. go away bugs?

11 days

Less than a week until I move to Columbus.

In a way I am super pumped because moving means...
a greater sense of independence,
a challenge in terms of budgeting, academics, social networking...and just moving forward in general.
It will also be a challenge for my relationship.  Granted two hours isn't all that far it is enough to not be able to randomly have lunch or dinner together, take study breaks together, etc.  But, I feel pretty good about it most of the time. I already have a few weekends planned that I will be in Oxford/Cincinnati and I am hoping he will visit when he can as well although he usually works on weekends, will undoubtedly have homework at some point, and gas is expensive.  Then again, I don't know how much money I will have myself, don't know if I will have a job while in school such as a research position, and have no idea what my workload will look like.  But, all that can be figured out in the very near future, haha.  Some things are worth the effort.

September 17-19 is Oktoberfest in Cincinnati.
I Might come home in the afternoon on the 25th because that's the Hikeathon but it's very doubtful because I don't think I'd be able to make it on time anyway because I have some sort of  a team building thing and I have no idea when that ends.
Emily and Nash's wedding is in October, I think around the 16th?

I just wish I knew when my Naturalization interview is. I hope it doesn't interfere with more things in general...but it's probably in Cincinnati although who knows, maybe they'll move it to Columbus.  If in Cincinnati, I'd be coming back for that, and depending on the day of the week...I may end up going to Columbus same-day, lol.

Luke's birthday is October 17th but with the wedding I probably can't celebrate on that day but maybe if I come home the Thursday before or just come the weekend after again.

With that said, it seems like I'll be in Oxford a good deal before Thanksgiving (for which I will be home for like 4 days total?) Then before long I have a crazy long winter break.  Where I will spend it is TBD.

Right now I'm back to the same old pet peeve, a messy room.  Everything around me is messy right now.  Like the house is driving me nuts, especially my own room.  But I don't really have motivation to do anything about it because 1) it won't stay clean because of Luke, 2) the stuff in my room is gonna just go into a car soon to be moved so there's no point organizing it. As much as I love that little boy, everything's just been sorta disarrayed now.  My parents have changed, I don't know if it's for the better really because now they're just paranoid.  My mom is usually obsessive about cleanliness and neatness but I think part of her has given up yet is still annoyed about it. I don't think if I have the patience for children of this much "energy" and maintenance. It drives me crazy. It's like I want to do more about it but it's just discouraging because it feels pointless.

I miss having a set schedule.  I miss going to classes and stuff but I realize this coming quarter (sounds weird saying quarter) is going to be different.  I will be commuting.  I can't just wake up and walk to class. There will be plenty of traffic.  But, it's a challenge I think I am looking forward to.

Sleek

Now that I am moving in 18 days I've just been thinking more.  I am very used to moving, moving is normal to me in a way.  From what I can tell, everywhere I live is about the same, it just depends what I do with it because until Columbus it was just the same because I mostly had my parents and now Luke but then I had good friends.

At least I have good luck with friends.  Other than that? Oh, I've had some wiiiiiiiinners (eye roll).

Up until the past two years or so I was a very optimistic person.  I'm still pretty optimistic but not anything like before. I had energy out the wazoo up until a few years after I moved to Oxford.  Over the years I had to deal with people that my being so optimistic was just fake, or that I needed to be more realistic, then I was not optimistic enough, then I needed to be realistic, then I just got worn down. Partly my own fault but there is some truth to it.  The world isn't full of rainbows. Although, I'd say I'm still pretty lucky nothing terrible has happened in my life but I have become more aware of things although sometimes that makes me rather paranoid and frustrated because Everybody experiences life differently and thus results in differing and sometimes conflicting perspectives.  Sometimes it just comes down to how supportive somebody will be or if they'll just invalidate all that you say because of their truth.  Truth, is it really true? Life is very ambiguous because you can't know everything.  You can really only know life from your own perspective, you cannot account for what somebody else experiences and cannot assume that what you are being told is even true.  I guess I'm rather skeptical but sometimes it is very useful but I just have to try not to let it get in the way of life.

So where does this bring us now? Well...with moving...I cannot keep in touch with EVERYBODY but I'd say I do a pretty good job of keeping in touch with a lot of people from experience but I'm not as good at it anymore.  Right now, online, I maybe talk to 5 or so regulars versus the like 20 before at a time.  But, I take life a lot more seriously now and I can't keep track of things as well because my individual thoughts take more energy than before because it is necessary to be more thorough.  I know it's coming that there are many I won't see again or much.  When it comes down to it, there are core friends that I want to keep in touch with and hopefully see as much as I can because when it comes to fundamental variables, they're there.  Friends I want to have for life. Other than that, I don't want to spend much energy on people here as I leave because really? there are others I want to see more of and I want to take advantage of the limited time.  This is not meant to be mean and not to meant to be taken personally because I mean I know people do the same to me and that doesn't bother me.  It is normal to grow apart and to not really talk anymore.  I can't drag the past around too long, or at least I try not to. Some people are just too much right now. So I guess I am starting the process early because I know what's coming.

I am excited to move, to start over, but I'm also a little anxious because I know that this move will be different from the past.

Hm.

well, today was pretty busy so far.

Haircut (took a while, but it's nice and sleek), late lunch with Josh (he didn't eat bc he already ate lunch I guess) that felt sorta odd...I didn't feel quite there...enough on mind lately amongst other things, then went to my gyno appointment.  Haha, a girl shadowed the gyno today. Fellow OSU student. haha. It was a crowded room, 4 people total. Hm...

Then went to the Library to pick up more movies for Luke.

Taking a break before I go to some Peruvian restaurant w Jaylene.

Nice day? I think so.

a lot to think about

It's been a pretty good day for the most part, Sunday, anyway.

Fell asleep at like 2-3am, woke up at 8am. Picked up Allie at like 10:30am, went to the outlet mall. Got a lot of good deals.  i bought 3 shirts for me and 1 shirt for Luke. We have almost matching yellow shirts! lol. Then we had Applebees. I was starting to get pretty worn out at this point and I'd just feel awkward. We had a good talk though and I am happy that she is very supportive/encouraging in general especially since I've been stressed/concerned for a while.  Maybe I just have too much time on my hands...right now, I am sure I do. My senior year? Apparently I slacked that year, or so I hear.  I don't totally know if I did. Maybe it just came off that way.  Impressions are different from reality.  People see what they're exposed to, people see what others want them to see...reality from a particular perspective.  There was certainly less pressure as far as schoolwork was concerned.  I definitely went out more but it was about time.  I came to the realization that life as I knew it was going to end very soon.  Many people...I wouldn't really see anymore...not often and maybe at all.  So much going on, so many changes about to happen. Thinking about it makes me anxious and I feel sort of helpless and a little lonely. But, whatever happens in life happens. I can't cling.

Made it back to Oxford in time for Josh and I to leave at a good time to go to Newport.  Had awesome Irish Pub Food. walked around a bit. Came back to Oxford in time to last minute-pick up Kait, drop off Josh, and pick up Allie for the movie -- The Other Guys.  It was alright. Not fab, but not bad at all.

Now I'm talking to Jennie, keepin her company for as long as I can as she's at the airport for a layover in Istanbul.

Sometimes I just feel so anxious and just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not sure how I like how the past couple years have been like.  I'm not nearly as emotionally consistent or that is how it comes off as.  I feel like there are a lot of things I have yet to deal with. I guess we'll see how the next couple of years go, how they turn out...Sometimes I just get overwhelmed thinking about too many things at once. Sometimes just listening to too many things stresses me out because I feel the need to be helpful/useful.  I'm not saying it's not satisfying to try to think of solutions, even if they are not used, just to have the "challenge" of doing something.

hard to breathe

I've been having trouble breathing right for about a week now. maybe I've been anxious long enough or something and my body and brain just can't deal with it. even if I'm not thinking about stressful things my chest feels like it's closed up, I can't breathe deeply, sometimes I end up unintentionally holding my breath, I yawn just to get more oxygen. I get lightheaded easy lately and it's so annoying. it's frustrating and makes me irritable and sometimes I have no idea why in stressed but the physical strain is tedious, consistent, and sometimes crying just relieves the pressure in my chest.

hope it goes away soon.

today was ok. stuck in cincy all afternoon n evening pretty bored but stranded. Saturday I'll be home like all day and night babysitting prolly. I just can't deal with much lately.

well at least I set up a gyno appt, and steph us prolly helping me move in n get settled in sept. it'll be lonely if she doesn't...

I just want to breathe or at least relax... or not feel faint. asap!

33 days

til I move.
The past few days have been interesting enough.  During the daytime it is good but at night it was a bit more of a struggle.

House sat for the Beherns in Eaton. Doggies were well behaved, weather was nice, visited Oxford a few times, doggies came on a car trip where Molly got car sick.  It's been a pretty good few days.  Made Moussaka which was delicious and lasted for days, cheesecake was yummy except I forgot to put in an egg so the texture was more like cold butter. Ha.

Saw the Preble County Fair, Kenwood mall, Union Terminal Museum for the omnimax "Legends of Flight", saw a cool Maserati and a Kasashi, the camry "raced"...

Time went by quickly.  Night time wasn't that fun because it was lonely in Eaton tho dogs helped, and I just had trouble sleeping.  Nightmares, too noisy outside, really warm upstairs, and the dogs making noises or barging into the room.

I am glad to be back in Oxford although there are downsides, the whole living at home thing. Got some stuff done today, set up renters insurance, direct deposit for financial aid/loans, chatted with roomie. There is a lot to do before then but I'm trying not to fret about it. No real reason to. It is still slowly setting in that I'm leaving.

Hopefully I go to bed early tonight. Biometrics test in the morning which means I'm waking up at 6:30am.

worn out

cleaning
laundry
walmart
cooking
cleaning
scrubbing
frustration
tennis fun
exercise
fumes
dizzy
sore
sore red thumb
stomach ache
pretty porsches
good food
friends

but I'd say the past few days have been satisfying and I feel useful but in exhausted and don't feel that good.