Letting go to be happy.

I've been reminded that I will likely receive nothing if I ask for nothing. But I don't want 'nothing'. I am human and I am not independent enough to fully be alone in all aspects of my life. I feel I am independent enough that I am my own person and try to be true to who I inherently am. It's not in my nature to aleays be alone and it's not in the nature of my circumstances.

I am trying to let go and not let my fears of potential consequences prevent me from asking for what I want but sometimes I hold myself back by making excuses to myself, that I ask for too much... But I wont know the boundaries if I don't try.

I ask because i care. If I didn't care I would be fine off alone -- I think. This almost feels normal because this has always happened in the past, even with different people, so it make me wonder if it is just me. If it is because of who I am, how I am, that results in these responses towards me. I hope this is not the case because this time I feel different, I want to keep trying, to keep hoping, to keep asking.

This makes me feel so needy and in a way I am. But I do not think it is wrong to need because that is part of being human. It is human to be social, to form bonds, to grow with others, to want to be a part of something good, to seek love, to love others, to want to feel loved.

I want to be with people I admire, people that support me, help me be a better person , people that enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. It is two sided.

Maybe I'm too insecure to take the negativity but I also don't feel as if my life should be about negativity.

I will continue seeking the good in these situations and continue to seek good things in my life. I can only be happy if I let go and allow myself to be happy, regardless of the excuses I make of being held back from happiness.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

SAS-success?

Working on SAS for culminating. So far it is going smoothly but I could be missing a lot of crucial things in my methods of data analysis...however preliminary this is so far. Hell0... weeks and weeks of SAS.

Feel

Money doesn't buy happiness.
People need to be cared for.

Everybody just wants to feel loved.

Insecurities are masked but not forever.

I didn't realize where a lot of my issues arose from until today. It's hard to really open up even though I have no real reason to be scared. But, the future can be scary...
I want to be happy but I also hope that my empathy and anxiety for others does not get in the way.

I've realized why I have such a high tolerance for neglect now and why I ask and require so little. It does not take much to make me feel loved and cared about but part of me wonders if I've set the bar too low.

I'm worried about my heart and my dependence masked by independence ...and im worried about what will happen to my heart and spirit if I just let go.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Amazing... Go Bucks!

It's been a good weekend. Mostly chill and I'm glad because tonight was insanity. Buckeye games, buckeye fans.... insanity.

http://espn.go.com/blog/ncfnation/post?id=51395

Good enough summary...

Otherwise, High ball and SPHS halloween bash were fun, chill. Then Allie n I watched Bad Teacher. I fell asleep thru some... darn. WEnt to mall Saturday morning til afternoon... tailgating at Michelle and Kristen's... fun... forgot various things back at home like my tickets... and i wasnt bout to move my car from the one spot I could find so I drove Michelle's car back and forth. Walked to game. Game was AWESOME. SO CLOSE.

Emotions:
Happy
Sad
Feet hurt
Happy that we were finally pulling ahead
Sad that they got another touch down
Happy we pulled ahead and think we are winning
They get a touch down -- sad
not even 2 minutes left.
WE GET TOUCH DOWN! we win yayyy... insanity.

I am happy Allie came to visit. I've been pretty down this week so this totally helped perk me up! good weekend. Tired. Feet hurt.

Camera Upgrade En Route

Sony Cyber-shot DSC-HX5V

My white Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-T70 has shutter focus issues and is spazzing out/shaking. Apparently, this is a problem not uncommon to the T-series cameras.

Sony Insider: DSC-T20 Cyber-Shot Camera Vibration

Too bad mine isn't a T20 and too bad it is past July 2011 when it could have been fixed for free.

Either way, I've managed to get myself a lemon. It's a little over 3 years old now and it had an OK Optical zoom. This new camera has potential to be amazing for $160-ish at a retail of approx. $350. It's last year's model and it looks pretty cool. If it doesn't live up to its reviews and isn't much of an upgrade from my T-70 AND my T-70 manages to get fixed (Josh is working on it) then this new camera is going back. But for now, here are the important specs:

Superzoom

10 MP

Optical Zoom 10X

Geotagging

Awesome panoramic capabilities

Good low-light photos

310 shots on one battery

I'll describe it more once it arrives. Hopefully, because it is getting delivered to my door...

Hopefully, this requires a signature... last time it didn't and it ended up at the wrong house. And I've had packages stolen from my doorstep if I don't get home in time.

Back tracking to my awesome Caving Adventure! and forward into present.

So this past weekend we went CAVING! I left work early, got to Oxford, hung out for about an hour and drove back to Eaton to get the camping equipment from Josh's parents. Took forever to find stuff... couldn't find the specific tent he wanted... had dinner there...continued looking and found it in his backpack. Hoorayyy!!! Got back, got ready, and headed to Declan's house where Declan, Cameron, Josh and I left for our adventure! by then it was like 8pm-ish. Declan did the driving to Mammoth Cave. The drive was pretty fun.

Set up camp pretty late, the neighbors at the camp site were a little obnoxious. It was a COLD night. Woke up to children yelling and running around. It was still cold. Had breakfast in the cold, Josh was still pretty sick...went to fill up the car and came back in time for the tour.

CAVING IS SO AWESOME.

Crawling, Climbing, Squirming...

"This is the life of an ordinary earth worm" -- Josh

That is how it felt. Although, I am sure earth worms don't get this bruised up.

There were so many cool entrances and "feats" we would have to do. Like groveling on our stomachs while our heads could only face one direction. I thought my helmet would get stuck as I blindly propelled myself forward wondering when the tunnel would end so I could at least crawl...

I think Declan almost got stuck, lol. He also originally had his helmet on backwards... Oh, Declan...

There were some parts where I wish I was taller... canyon crawling and climbing up rock ways without stairs (duh) that required me to stretch out my limbs to pull myself up through a hole while turning my body and then getting myself to a flat area ... It required a little help sometimes but it definitely forced me to push myself and to not think fearfully as it required me to reach out and grab various rocks that were a real stretch to get to with a large drop underneath me. This was very physically challenging in so many ways...flexibility, endurance, cardio, strength... SO FUN. Lunch was delicious (in the snow ball room cave in between various passageways). Saw cave spiders, crickets, and beetles! So happy to see critters. I guess there was a bat but I didn't see it. We were so efficient as a group that we got to go on extra paths than usual... one of which only two other groups before had gone into! "The cave less taken" (hehe). If rocks fell it would be from our own doing as some would break out from under our feet... hopefully not on somebody's head. I love head lamps.

Josh progressively got sicker and by the end he was so exhausted and when we stopped at a gas station later he looked awful and clammy. Good thing I packed meds and a new pack of kleenex...

By the next day he had a full blown sinus infection... awww...

Took him to Urgent Care early sunday morning and I let him nap as my dad checked out the car while I played with Luke and caught up with my family. Josh and I had delicious dinner and I had to drive home when it was quite dark... I was exhausted and it was a major struggle getting home. Thought I wouldn't make it.

I was in pain (SUCH PAIN) from Monday until... Yesterday, Wednesday. I could barely walk. I was covered in bruises. And I felt slightly sick... not full blown but I've been working on avoiding that. I also got bruised knuckles from Tae Kwon Do 1 yesterday from punching and some girl told me I was her "comic relief" which I find a little offensive because I am far from the most incompetent in class. I do pretty well in class. Oh well.

Today was OK. work was alright, EHS exam was annoying because it is hard to understand the question and the professor will not be at any of our exams. Tonight was fun though. Went to CPH picnic, walked in the rose garden, petted puppies, ate comfort food, killed a fly, went to the playground ... then went out for some good company and a drink. Now I am very tired. I am very excited to hang out with Josh though! we have been together for 2.5 years now :) HOoray! ♥

Quotes of the week:

F - What is the format of the HBHP exam?

M - They are all multiple choice but it's like A-B-C-D-E-F-I-G

F - What? that's not right.

M - I think I forgot a couple letters in there or something

M - How can you tell a duck from a goose or swan?

F (googles photos of swans as demonstration)

M (points at photo) - isn't that pretty small for a goose?

F - That's a duck.

F-Where do acorns come from?

M- Acorn tree?

F- No

M - Pine tree?

F- No, they have Pine Cones.

T - I'm a mutt.

F - That's good for genetic variety and health, at least you're not inbred.

Awesome first week of class

Lots of work from school, from my job and plenty of social interaction. I've been getting exercise, enjoying sunshine, being productive...all sorts of fun.

I am also not sure when I will actually be graduating... may not be until June... seeing as there is new potential data to work with for my culminating so by the time I come up with a proposal, there wouldn't be enough time to work on the culminating itself. We'll see how that goes...I meet with my advisor on Monday.

Tonight we went out to Happy Hour at Bernards and met some of the new Public Health kids...so fun! delicious food, good drinks, and good company. I'm excited to hang out more this year.

Next weekend is Caving! woo

Traffic

Top 10 States Notorious for Writing Tickets:
1. Ohio
2. Pennsylvania
3. New York
4. California
5. Texas
6. Georgia
7. Virginia
8. North Carolina
9. Massachusetts
10. Connecticut

Yep, got my first speeding ticket.  A very hefty one. Bye Bye money, Hello raised premiums. :(
Need to be more careful.

And I thought my life was boring...that is certainly not boring :p.

Otherwise, I had a greeaat weekend! Lots of sleep, great music, good food, and enjoyable time at Oktoberfest Zinzinnati! :)

Gotta take the good and the bad in life. Today I spent like 5 hours individually calling satellite agencies at work for the data...I called about 15? I have 20+ to go...I'll deal with that Thursday.  Until then? work at Columbus PH, homework, chillin...CLASS!!! eeeeeeh! TAE KWON DO WITH MAY AND TRISH! should be fun :) Certainly interesting!

Summer is Almost over

It hasn't been super eventful lately but there have been some good times! May is back from the Philippines and she came back to Columbus yesterday.  I "dragged" her around to various stores to search for potential boots for the upcoming caving trip.  I wasn't sure if I was going to purchase a new pair of boots as I love my current hiking boots...the problem is that I am not sure my current pair will pass height requirements to allow me to continue on the tour.  After going through various stores I decided on a pair at Dick's Sporting Goods...for a better price than Gander Mountain! May and I enjoyed ourselves as we went everywhere.  I am not positive I will keep them but I figure if they don't accept my original hiking shoes while I am there, I will have a pair they WILL accept.  I've walked around inside with them and they don't need breaking in so I should be good to go regardless.

Today was pretty productive, stretched for half an hour and walked/jogged for another half.  I need to get exercise in before the trip.  Reserved our four tickets yesterday....although originally I accidentally booked the wrong day so I called right away and had it fixed.  It's a different date than anticipated because two hours after Josh checked about the tickets (4 available)...only 3 were available.  There are  4 of us for sure and Josh already had to turn away other potential participants because the tour for the days are VERY limited and are now officially full.  I AM SO EXCITED! I hope I can cope with it.  It'll be super strenuous and I'm gonna need to whip myself into shape ASAP. I got like two-three weeks to do this, lol.

Hm, I am almost done at CPH and I'm trying to figure out how to continue with the CAP to have deliverables of my practicum as I write it to get my credits for it.

Tomorrow, after work, I hope to get in exercise...and then a movie with Melissa! this has been a good week. Hopefully I see Josh soon.

Happy sore :)

Neglect

"Indifference and neglect often do more damage than outright dislike"--J.K.Rowling

It's like those little white lies...you don't think they do much damage.

Great surprise weekend

Early evening on Friday Josh called to say he'd like to visit.  Few hours later, he was here! hooray! Chilled for the evening...

Saturday after brunch we headed to the mall, I bought some new heels for work and he bought nice new slacks for work!  After the mall, he took a nap, then we went out to Grove City to hang out with Trish and some of her friends!  Her new apartment is so cute! We went to the Air Balloon festival but due to weather none could be launched and there was really nothing to look at...so we left to go to Red Robin for dinner. Delicious! then we partied at their apartment.  American Ninja Warrior is pretty amazing ;).  Boxes, Kings, it was a good night for everybody.  Got back REALLY late/early (however you want to put it) and just passed out.  Sunday was really chill...stayed in most of the time.  I went to Best Buy to get a specific scanner I'd been wanting but couldn't find and Josh did some of his homework.  Afterwards, we headed to Goodale park.  I brought some bread with me to feed the ducks...but when we got there, the pond was still under construction.  No ducks for me.  He scattered the bread around though.  Then we walked around Short North and had some Jenni's ice cream. YUM.  He says this is the best ice cream he has ever had.  It is rated one of the best in the country anyway ;).  Then he had to go home to get Molly on his way back to Oxford.  All in all, it's been a great weekend.  Nice to just spend time with him and chill.

He also introduced me to google sketchup.  It's going to consume my life if I can get beyond the frustration of things not working out the way I want.

Took a jog today.  I am so out of shape.  I need to keep trying.  Need to be healthy!

The "good luck" charm

This week has gone by pretty quickly although I've been worn out for some reason the whole time even though I know I get sufficient sleep.

New pillows to replace old ones.

This has been an expensive month...and it has gotten even more so...

Got a ticket yesterday for a parking violation.  I was convinced I had paid in the right numbered slot in the parking lot for work... apparently not...At first I thought it was for 75$ but I paid within 14 days so no penalty.. . came up to 25$, whew...but still...I didn't want to have to pay it. Oh well...

Hm....

Steph came over last night for dinner, movie (The Help -- it was great!)  then she wanted to skype her boy.  Well, first her computer's sound didn't really want to work... so we used one of my computers...then as soon as she figured skype out, my router literally died. No matter what we did, it wouldn't start.  So we went to Wal-Mart.  I spent more pretty pennies on a router. We were very quick.

I am very tired, she didn't leave til pretty late but I wanted her to be able to talk to him.

Now I am still very tired.  I am also having some issues with a project a community member has asked me to do... and I'm not even getting paid.  Need to be less nice.

To quote Josh, "It's the nice ones that are the swindlers"

He is so wise.

Work soon...Home tomorrow!

War

Against the fleas.

Washed/dried everything.

DE'd the carpet.


After work I went to the store and bought two cans of carpet spray.

Vacuumed the DE up...it got everywhere which is probably terrible for my eyes but thankfully i had a mask...i need to get goggles somewhere.

Vacuum clogged many times so I had to fish the hair and dust out.

AFterwards I sanitized the vacuum...there may be eggs in it.

Vacuum vacuum...baking soda, salt, more spray...all over...it was cloudy...i had to leave for a bit...

Bought some cream to lighten my scars.

Showered twice today with this lavender shampoo concoction with tea tree oil.  It smells nice and helps with itching.

I am so tired.

I think this is making me lose weight cus I'm not hungry yet am running around everywhere.

Sprayed the bed with to help deter the fleas.

Hoping more fleas drown in my trap.

I am idiot. I found bug spray in my bathroom. WHY DIDNT I USE IT?! UGH....better late than never.

I better win this damn war. The amount of effort and risk I'm putting into this.

Washer/dryer arrives tomorrow. I should get more bug spray. I don't wanna drive in rush hour home tomorrow :(

Ohio State Fair!

Went to the Ohio State Fair w/ Melissa and two of her friends today. So much fun! ate lots of junk, petted bunnies, saw sharks...

Then we went to the movies (minus one) to see the new Pirates movie.  We ended up getting tix for a 3-D one ($3.50, awesome) and played at Petland first.

My bugbites are itching like crazy.

With further googling it may be fleas because I've only been getting new bites and stuff on my ankles/feet right now.  From what I can tell, fleas that bite humans concentrate on waist and ankles...and that's all I've got.  I don't have a dog. I vacuum. It may be from moving Josh into his apartment and his neighbor has dogs? That's the suggestion Josh's mother gave me anyway. I don't know. I had already called my management at the apartment to send somebody over. Please do that SOON. omg. This is not fun.

Great day apart from my itching though.

Don't let 'em bite

✔Vacuumed
✔Ethanol sprayed everything
✔Inspected everything
✔Did not reorganize everything for fear of meddling too much with whatever is going on
... Things were I did before today...


Now...
I am paranoid.  Chiggers? Mites? Fleas? Spiders? Ants? and the worst scenario...bed bugs?!?! I don't know if it's here, if it's from somewhere else, or what...I am prone to bug bites to begin with and my skin is generally sensitive to like...a lot of things, so this makes it confusing.  I have seen a lot of people, been to a lot of places, but I don't hug strangers at least.  Not that my friends wouldn't have anything.  I decided to go the route of the worst case scenario because I figure if I approached the problem this way, it would be the most effective regardless of what the problem is.
I woke up itchy.


Couldn't fall back asleep.
Got paranoid.


Went to work... couldn't find my ID... got to the office at like 6:45am...nobody was there and it was dark...and I struggled to find light switches.  Only found one.  Thankfully my desk has a light.


Instead of direct deposit for my first check I got the paper one as they struggled so much.  GOT PAID, YES! Spent time multi-tasking...doing my lit review for work and also researching possible infestations, focusing on bed bug control.  Called many stores inquiring about specific products...that was a big of a struggle...looked for places with bed encasements (specifically protect-a-bed one...if I gotta do something, gotta do it right...can't get any more hardcore than a P-A-B bed encasement set. Seriously).  Chitchatted with my cubicle buddy and discussed this dilemna.  He has two bug bites and is not taking it well...he could just be a wimp about itchiness though.  Shared benadryl cream as he was suffering and never used it before.  Because I got to work so early I left really early.  


First stop: The bank.


Then I headed to mattress firm.  Found the products (bed encasements) but they were way over retail price from online (directly from P-A-B)...told them and they brought the price down to what I'd pay for it online.  Essentially I haggled the price from 250 to 140-ish. Score.  Of course this is still ridiculously priced.  But that's the price to pay for precautions and control for potential or present infestations...of anything.  If there are bugs on the mattress...they are now encased and have no way out.  There is always no way in...to either the mattress, box, or my pillows.  The pillows I bought from bed bath and beyond and they're a different brand but they should be OK.  I can at least wash the pillows occassionally.  At the mattress store they did throw in a free mattress cover though (separate from encasements).  It was a pleasant transaction.  I also inquired about warrenties...and they have the typical stuff.  They also said that the tag on the products have the phone number incase I lose the number...to which I responded
"I'd have to lose my bed to lose the number I guess"
:)
At least they were very amused.


Then I went to Bed Bath and Beyond (as implied earlier).  Bought bed bug sprays (the natural-y stuff...it was also set up at the front...is this bed bug season or something? am I missing something?  It is a city....sigh...and it's on the list of outbreaks in the country).  And it is here that I bought cases for my pillows.


As soon as I got home I wrapped up all of my bedding including the pillows and washed them.  One pillow was totally ruined n had to be thrown out...the other two are ... tolerable...and one is still in its normal state.  Sigh.  Looks like I need new pillows.  BUT, my comforter survived at least...surprised.  Previous one died.  Don't have large enough washers/dryers.  Now I wish I had one IN my apartment...it was a hassle going back and forth.  I used all but two of the washers..and almost all of the working dryers.  Good thing it was in the middle of the day while people are still at work.


As the laundry was going i proceeded to vacuum...sprayed the baseboards and parts of the mattress and box...wrapped them up in their new encasements, sprinkled some diatomaceous earth on the ground and esp around baseboards and bed....tried not to inhale it as it is harmful to lungs (silicon).  It is supposed to kill insects as it cuts through their exoskeleton which makes them very vulnerable to the air which essentially dries them out (and then they die).
lalala...eventually made my bed...sad about my dead pillows...


Did some more online research...
Called my roomie to update her on what I've been learning and what she should do (such as continue normal patterns to localize potential infestations without just spreading em around the apartment more, that it could be from anywhere...possibly through the walls cus thats how the ants get in too...and urged her to wash everything).
At Meijer I bought some spray that Josh's mom recommended me to get.  Way more hardcore.  I also got Calamine oil and Hot Shot spray.  Used both for the entire apartment baseboards and doors.  I struggled with my closet but I couldn't even get to my roomie's closet cus it was a disaster and crammed full. Literally.


I plan on calling the management tomorrow to inform them of the potential problem for them to bring in an inspector.  I have not been able to find anything...so I'm not sure if I'm just paranoid or if there is really a problem.. Hopefully they can help...For now let's hope I sleep better.
Oh, I also doused my hair with listerine cus I am paranoid that maybe they're hiding.  I just want to make sure just about everything is clean.  I'm not gonna mess with my stuff too much tho bc I want them to be checked professionally.


Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.  To think I thought that was made up when I was little...apparently bed bugs are back in the country and are now immune to a lot of pesticides.  Maybe I should try to find one, bring it to my dad, and ask him to make a better pesticide.  It used to be his job at least...we'll see how things go before I bring that up with him though.

Positive Outlook: Assets and Opportunities

Mimicking the format in which the blog for work with ACHIEVE is done, I've decided I should approach my life in terms of Assets and Opportunities as opposed to pros and cons.  What would have been considered "cons" should be approached as an opportunity to improve.

So far life has been good.  I am happy to have my family back in the country.  Luke has gotten bigger, more mature, but just as funny!  I am hopeful that my relationship with my family gets stronger.  I get the vibe that they are more comfortable with Josh now too...not that they were uncomfortable before at all, but I mean they give off an even more positive vibe.  Really, what's not to like about the guy, right?  We are doing really well right now and I am confident about us.

Assets:

• Josh hooked me up with a "new" couch from one of his clients!  Declan is helping him move it up here with Josh's mother's van.  I have such great friends!
• I feel more enthusiastic about work and feel more satisfaction that I am making a difference
• I am flossing regularly and brushing with baking soda at night and I can see even more improvements!
• I am getting a better grasp of finances and I'm looking forward to this supplemental income from work (hiccup: they're having issues with the routing number so the checks haven't officially been deposited yet...)
• I am feeling happier lately
• I have been using the portable exercise pedals and I am hopeful to see physical improvements and anticipate adding more to my life habits...baby steps to ensure they stick!

Opportunities:

• Physical fitness
• Finances
• Skills to find a job

To come:

• Josh is going to build me a pretty coffee table (reddish in stain/color...he is thinking of using tiger maple which is really pretty...and he seems pretty excited about this)
• I am looking for a doggie bed for Molly as a housewarming present to Josh.  I love Molly.  I have been browsing various stores (Petsmart, Marshalls, and various online stores) and I haven't physically seen one that I feel is good enough for her yet!  She is such a good dog.  I wish I had the money for the doggie bed from Eddie Bauer's Heritage collection (only sold in stores), but I hope that they have one of the regular ones at the Eddie Bauer Warehouse nearby...so I will call tomorrow and hopefully check it out to look at the quality and pricing of it because at full price it is still rather expensive...  There are options at stores such as Orvis and LLBean but I would really prefer to feel it in person to assess the quality...
• Hopefully lots of fun!

7th Annual Public Health Farmer's Market

First Farmer's Market I've been to here, and certainly the first I've volunteered for.

It was hot. It was crowded.

My task was to conduct surveys by foot...not sure how they thought that would work out well... Plenty didn't speak English, most were in no mood to answer a survey, and people are sorta busy.  It would've been better to have some form of an incentive for them to do a survey, or to have more than just me.... Eventually the person who assigned me the task started helping.  Even so, the crowd was a little much.  This market was a pretty HUGE event.  It was fun interacting with such a diverse group of people though!

The mini rose I bought...I think it's already dying...sad...

Hm...

I'm going home tomorrow :)

Welcome Home, Stephanie!

After work yesterday (Friday) I went directly to Stephanie's house out by Delaware...took about an hour to get there due to traffic around town.  It reminded me of home.  Remote, curvy (but well maintained) roads, good (fast-ish) speed limit...it was nice!

Surprise, Stephanie! She didn't know I (and another one of her friends) would be there when she came back from the grocery store :-D.  Have not seen her in like a year! it was an awesome reunion.  Ate good burgers (courtesy of Chef Kyle), hung out by the river, ate s'mores, sat by the pond, played with animals...it was a great night. So good to have her home!

Today a few of us went to the last day of Frankly County Fair out in Hilliard like 15 minutes from my apartment.  A lot of chit chatting, bonding, sunshine, heat, and good carnie food.  Four of us got free tickets in, hehe.  A nice teenager approached us and slipped us tix saying that her dad works for the state.  Steph and I chatted up one of the nice carnies from Lithuania.  We also saw a ton of animals! BUNNIES!!!! goats, sheep, cows, chickens, turkeys, etc.  I squealed when I saw the barn of bunnies, hehe.  Then we all saw the Demolition Derby! First one I have ever seen and it was so entertaining! I was so amused....Luke would've loved this.  But, it was reallllly humid.

Afterwards, Steph and I met up with Kyle and his friends at Betty's up by Short North...it was good! I'm too tired to go to Elevator bar though, so I'll probably wait til the next time Josh visits :). I bet he would love it.

I know I saw him only a few days ago but I miss him already! I am glad he is out having fun in the woods backpacking and I'm glad we both have our own lives too...so there's plenty to talk about!  A lot more has happened this weekend but I'll have to wait for him to get back to civilization so I can spill the details, haha.

I'm tired.
I'm happy.
I am thankful.

a simple goodnight would do

I don't ask for much. I don't demand plans for fun outings, I don't ask for flowers, I don't ask for letters. those are things I take for superfluous when I used to take it for granted because the trade off is worth it. being with an amazin person is worth it. but I guess it is hard to draw the line with how little to ask for. maybe ive slacked too much and just let it go too far by making it seem im the type of girl that is sooooo low maintenance ... a goodnight would be a start. communication regularly at all would be nice. is that too much ? I hope not. but maybe it is and maybe alllll of this is not enough.

How we limit ourselves

I have occasional downtime at work so I continued to contemplate thoughts that kept me up for a while last night.  I do feel a little better now.  It is much easier to see the faults in others before our own flaws.  This is partly due to how we limit ourselves.  By focusing on specific details in others we overlook other details that may either explain the faults, undo faults because they have been given context, and focusing on our own insecurities as opposed to actively finding solutions to make ourselves better because it is so much easier to want to fix somebody else.  Of course, it is not possible or right to try to change somebody else like that.  It is much easier to nit pick at the work of others.  This was emphasized today as I was given the assignment of editing a grant today which took about 5 hours...but those 5 hours, although that is a long time to be so absorbed...was so consuming as I nit picked at the work of these other strangers.  It came so easily but when I took the time to sit back I saw a lot of myself in what I was doing and it reminded me of ways I can improve my own writing.

Just as we nitpick at the character of other people, we should sit back and look into ourselves.  The things we nitpick at are specific for a reason, whether or not we can figure it out.  I feel like the more we judge others the more issues we have with ourselves.

Things I have learned about myself...

I need to let go.
I need to be less anxious.
I need to be less selfish.
I need to be more assertive.
I need more patience.
I need to open up my mind.
I need to not be so quick to react.

Other ways we limit ourselves is by setting up strict schedules and criteria for ourselves and life instead of taking in the nature of life and moving organically through time.  Guidelines are what they are...just guidelines.  Adhering too strictly may prevent us from seeing the possibilities and good things we have in our life.  Our wants and needs in life are also always changing...so should our guidelines...adjusting them accordingly.

When I was younger...high school and undergrad, I itched to travel... I had unlimited energy and I just wanted to see everything...take it all in.  I've grown to be more focused and specialized in the preferences of my life.  I like to be more of a homebody with occasional adventures.  I think in a way I still have to jump around in my life as I find the specialization I want to continue with long term in my life, especially in a career.  But even in my personal life, I realize setting a timeline to figure out the basic steps in my life are holding me back.  Focusing on knowing exactly when I am going to graduate, get a job, find a permanent location...is actually very difficult.  Because I am not an island.  If I did not care about anybody else it would be easy enough to just charge forward...but now it's difficult to know how to go forward.  Everybody moves through life at different paces, doing things at different times...Wanting the lives of others and of what is familiar may prevent me from just living my own life in the way that is best for me.

What do I want now (for like the next 5 years?) then?

Practicality: I want to know what my options are in locations to settle for at least a few years. I also want to know where I can and should work.

Personally: I want life to be smoother.  I want to be inspired.  I want to be wooed.  I want time/resources...especially time.  I want a real vacation.  I want to make a home. I want to be healthier.

What I can do:
Be more open to my options, be less difficult on others, be easier on myself, allow myself to make changes, stop limiting myself, relax more, and be more efficient with my time to leave more room for this relaxation and life.

And sometimes we hold ourselves back

It's been an interesting weekend. Mixed feelings about it.

I am not sure if we are moving forward.  I suppose it is better than moving backwards but is that enough? At least I try.  My attachment should be clear.

Thursday evening Josh came, just in time for dinner too! Moussaka is delicious.  Went for a swim, then lazed.  Friday...went to the mall, the eddie bauer outlet, swimming, food, then went to watch Horrible Bosses (very entertaining!)

At midnight he checks his voicemail...have to head back to Oxford.  He needs to housesit because somebody had an emergency and had to leave town.  They have horses, cats, and dogs to tend to.  If I didn't go along, our time together would be cut in half.  That wouldn't do.  I quickly packed and by 12:30am we were both off (separate cars).  I was very sleepy.

Took one car once we got to Eaton.  I parallel parked by myself perfectly, very close to curb and parallel :).  It was beautiful. Win!

Not much to do in Oxford really.

Went to Kenwood, spent some time outside, relaxed, etc.

Today was also pretty uneventful.  Went to Eaton, hung out, napped, ate food, played...and now I am back.  I will have to wake up very early...ugh...

But we do what we feel needs to be done for those we care for.  It's a risk worth taking...so we shouldn't hold ourselves back, because that's usually the case, even if we aren't aware that we do that to ourselves.

Time to stop slacking on myself

Inspired by an article on Yahoo!'s Shine I've realized that maybe we both need to step up in the relationship.  On my part, things I can do is to dress up more, pay more compliments, and be more fun. Time to be less routine/old...time to act my age: young and fun!

I'm still thinking about what I should ask for.

...

I'm also asking for either Friday or Monday off so Josh knows what day to take off.  We're gonna have a long weekend! it'll be fun. This also requires me to go grocery shopping earlier, but it'll be worth it...trying to get everything done in time.

Here's to feeling more grown up! more grown up wardrobe and schedule! hopefully it'll be fun :)

Quite a week indeed....

So I went home to Oxford on Wednesday, had dinner at Josh's family's house after I dropped off Molly.   Molly was so, so, so happy and so was Jasmine! Michael was quite a handful. Hung out at BWWs with Allie afterwards.  She hasn't been feeling well but I'm glad she mustered enough energy to come out and bond!

Thursday we were supposed to go to the Mall but stuff came up.  Hung out with Fei in the evening.

Mall with Allie on Friday...weren't there for all that long...

quiet week for the most part.

Saturday morning I went over to the Beherns house to head up to Illinois with Josh's parents (+Michael).  It took a long time before we actually left though...and a really long time on the road.  Michael was very demanding in the van, stopped at Cracker Barrel for lunch, and at a Woodworking shop for Josh's dad.  The store was actually pretty neat.

FINALLY we got to Danville, IL.  Had to wake Josh up from his nap. Met Josh's other Uncle/Aunt/Neice/Nephew.  The little kiddos were so adorable! love them.

Had a good time with his family, ate lots of food, got woken up at 6am every morning by the kids because I was on the couch, met neighbor dogs that showed up on their porch, and watched fireworks from the porch! way fun.

Josh and I drove back to Eaton and then after dinner I made my way back to Columbus on Monday.  on 70W back towards Eaton there was blocked traffic for over 10 miles with random cars in the grass...I guess they drove off? For the last 20 minutes on 70E there were fireworks! I drove on the right/slow lane to watch.  Also noticed that there were a lot of car accidents..maybe there is a correlation.

Tuesday morning was orientation at ODH. Then it turns out I need paperwork which requires me to go back to Oxford to go to the social security office in Hamilton. I drove back to Oxford.  I was pretty bummed out about all of that....very annoyed...and tired...due to sleep deprivation from the past week.  Had dinner with Josh.  Took a long time for me to perk back up.

Wednesday morning I got everything done...then had lunch with Josh...then came back to Columbus.

While I was in Hamilton I had stopped by Advanced Auto...to get primer, sandpaper, and clear top coat to patch up rut spots....well...I think over time the car color changed a bit because now there are tacky circles of paint...and not much can be done...better than getting rust I suppose.  They remind me of my knees...and my boo boo turned scars from piggy back fail.

Went back in to ODH today to turn in paperwork. Got more hours in. I enjoy my personal computer and my cubicle-mate is nice!  Went to doc appt for annual...then got a call that paperwork didn't work out enough yet...my employment is postponed until further notice.  Am I gonna get paid for the like...12 hours I put in then?! I hope so...

At least I get to sleep in now.
HOORAYYYY!!!!

Clippers game tomorrow. I'm tired of driving. Been to Oxford 3 times in 2 weeks, Illinois 1 time. Bahhh...gas, time, and energy...


Overall good few weeks though despite all this hassle at ODH. I would like to get paid. ASAP.

Molly's first day in Columbus

So apparently the white streak on Molly's chest is very normal for a lab, their ancestors from St. John's Newfoundland originally had them and sometimes it still shows up!

"The smaller short-coated St. John's Dog (also known then as the Lesser Newfoundland) was used for retrieval and pulling in nets from the water. These smaller dogs were the forebears of the Labrador Retriever. The white chest, feet, chin, and muzzle - known as tuxedo markings - characteristic of the St. John's Dog often appear in modern Lab mixes, and will occasionally manifest in Labradors as a small white spot on the chest (known as a medallion) or stray white hairs on the feet or muzzle."


Molly has been in Columbus with me for 5 hours now and I can already see major improvements in her adjustment to a new place! this is her first time away from home, and her first time through a city (she saw so many cars!).


First, Josh's parents forced a little child dose benadryl down her throat to settle her down because she gets really anxious...later, she calmly hopped into the back seat of the car.  For most of the drive she just lay down...I think she was very nervous because she wouldn't sniff my hand.  She was probably a little upset with her predicament. She shifted around occassionally and when we got closer to Columbus the traffic got a lot more dense and then she sat up and looked around, head moving back and forth spastically... she was still a little freaked out.  But she did well...she didn't puke! But once I got her out of the car I noticed that she shed Everywhere...her anxiety resulted in a lot of hair lost! But, she was very curious about the new environment and sniffed everything out.  At first she tugged on the leash...but it got better.  She explored my apartment and just followed me everywhere. We went to the mailbox twice where she got to sniff more stuff.  She went to the bathroom a few times, she saw a lot of animals! ducks, other dogs, and she saw people.  She was very well behaved and did not lunge at anything/anybody, walked about 90% of the time with the leash really lose/sagging.  Good job, Molly!


We also took a long walk around the whole complex! towards the end there was a couple walking behind us and Molly would walk and look back all anxious and wanted to walk faster to get away haha...


I also managed to get her to eat lunch! she ate half of her bowl's worth, which for a new environment for her, is really good progress! she got treats, sat, lay down when I ask...


Now she is sleeping peacefully, her breathing is finally slow so I think she is settling in well.


Next step is to introduce her to the roommate when she gets into town. haha.


Good day indeed. Let's hope this continues!

Productive day and slowly feeling grown up

This morning I decided I needed to set up  a plan for my health.
Started out with 20 minutes of vigorous yoga (focusing on gluts and thighs), ate brunch, continued watching Gone with the Wind (how I love this movie!), then went off to do errands.

Lowes to pick stuff up, Replaced windshield wipers, Recycled batteries, bought some pet-stuff (portable baggies, kong, and some treats). I really hope Molly can come home with me for a few days! it'd be fun.

I'm going to monitor my eating and exercise more now, at least starting out with some light stuff like sessions of yoga/pilates.

Also, I have found that the bruise on my foot is a lot bigger than I thought...and sometimes my foot hurts...resulting in occasional limping in Lowes. Hopefully it gets better soon.

I'll pack tonight and then go home to Oxford tomorrow! woohoo

First full day at Columbus Public Health!

Started the day off at 9am at Nationwide Children's Hospital for a walking tour.  It stormed like crazy and poured rain so we toured the inside of the hospital implementing photovoice. Then we went and walked around the area of the Hospital.

Met at Columbus public health for some meetings and to get situated.

Then my preceptor bought me lunch! yum

more work at the building...

Filled up the car, errands...then rushed home to clean my face of the day and head over to May's to carpool to dinner at Bar Louie! I used my free appetizer coupon from my last visit there, it was delicious! yayy! great dinner and drinks with May, Trish, and Whit.  Then we walked around Goodale park and played on the playground.  I bruised my feet on the monkey bars, haha...sad...

Trish and I played on an insane see-saw contraption...you had to stand on it...and we had to have Whitney's help to get it balance in order to hop on.  As you see-saw...you lean forward, as if your face is going into the ground...and as it goes back...its like leaning back to lie down...very weird.  Almost scary...how is this safe for kids?!

Then there was this other contraption I was playing on...There's this turn table thing on the ground but its slanted towards you.  There is also this wheel thing way above your head you hang on to that also turns...but I think that's also slightly slanted... From what I can tell you were supposed to just hang from the top one and try to spin...I failed at that.  Then I tried holding on to that and planting my feet on the round turn table thing while Whitney pushed me and turned me around and around.  It really hurt my arms because I could barely reach the wheel with my hands...at one point Whitney walked off to check something out and I was stuck there.  There was mud all around my feet so I couldn't let go...she had to come back and hold me so I could let go and step down...otherwise I'd fall off the turn table thing because it is not flat to step on.

It was quite an interesting park! haha...

Then we had ice cream at Orange Leaf...mine was pretty much something a child would come up with.  Six flavors (self-serve) and random candies...I never know what I'd taste next as I ate as a result. Yum!

Awesome day. I am so out of shape though. I want to fully enjoy playing!

Home Thursday! and hopefully bringing soft doggie back for a few days :-D

Croissant Success!

The left is the dough...on the right...is the butter square. I am serious. 3 sticks of butter right there...it's like a heart attack waiting to happen, heh. I was supposed to use a bench scraper to make the butter square...but I couldn't find one at the store...so I used a spatula and a lot of mashing...

Good thing making Croissants is so much effort and time...or I'd get fat really fast...

First two turns...essentially the dough was fully wrapped around the flat butter square, and it was folded "twice"  This process was done two times...with multiple hours of refrigeration from the beginning to the end...

Yay! they look like croissants...this was prior to the brushing of egg and water spritzing on top.  I was probably supposed to use a brush...but I used my hands...I was probably supposed to use a spray bottle to spritz the water...but I just shook my hands around on it...Improv!

7 or so hours later, the finished product! it is delicious, flakey, certainly Buttery... yummy! success...a great way to spend my day.  I don't plan on doing this often though. Too much time.

I also have A LOT, A LOT of reading/work to get done before Tuesday...yikes...But, I start my unpaid internship with real work finally! woohoo! getting a walking tour of Nationwide Children's Hospital, then going back to Columbus of Public Health for a meeting and some work...

Wednesday: shopping with Whitney, woohoo!

The rest of the week? Still waiting for Josh to get back to me about when I'm to go to his grandparents.

ALSO: HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

If my dad was here, I'd give him croissants...but seeing as he is far away with yucky internet, e-mails had to do. Sigh*

Sometimes you just find things to do

Went to the dentist today...there was some improvement from last time but I still need to work on more regular flossing...and she added a new activity to my routine: brushing my teeth with baking soda at night before I sleep so it can work on my gums as I sleep. I have nice teeth but need to take care of them better...

Went to Ann Taylor LOFT to check out sales...almost bought stuff, but nothing really peaked my interest enough. It rained like crazy though.

Came home, chilled out, did some hand-wash laundry items...

Grocery store...

And now I have delicious lemon melt-away cookies...Start my day with the dentist...end day with cookies.  Not exactly logical order, but still delicious ;)

I should be working harder at the eating healthier thing..but I did buy a lot of fruit today :) Here's to a new tomorrow, a new start after an already enjoyable/relaxing day.

Sale day in the rain

So I did go to Banana Republic, through temporarily torrential rain.

With discounts added up, I got 25% extra taken off my purchases which were already sale items, yes! Got two button-down shirts (3/4 sleeve) with really cute back.

I got this shirt in this blue as well as a light pink.

I also got cute shorts (cream) and khaki cargo "leggings" sort of like jeggings, but they are almost like legit cargo pants, just stretchy and form-fitting.

So, now I am set for work until I make money and I got extra savings because of an event. Now I just need to lose some weight/get more toned to look even better in these new clothes ;).

The rest of the evening consists of watching So You Think You Can Dance and recreational reading :).

Cedar Point and Friends

Tuesday morning I woke up early, got packed and drove up to Jennie's house.  Seeing as I was to get there by 8AM, that put me in the middle of rush hour traffic, but it wasn't as bad as expected.  When I got there, they had just woken up so I waited for a while. I had already eaten breakfast but we went out to Tim Hortons for my breakfast #2.  It was Jocelyn's first time to Tim Hortons and I'm glad she enjoyed it! Then we were off to Sandusky! We didn't take 70 so we hit A LOT of red lights on some country highway...then we were stuck at railroad tracks waiting for the train to pass...then stopped at ANOTHER RR but I don't know why it was blocked...eventually we managed to just drive around the barriers...

It was a Beautiful day, a little less than 80F, sunny, no clouds, and a mild cool breeze. We stopped by the Meijer near Cedar Point to get card-tickets...I managed to freak out every machine I tried to buy them on...I think the people at the store were a little irritated but we eventually got out of there and to the park! The park is so big! And so fun! before the entrance there were topiaries of the peanut gallery, which I was very excited about...then found that snoopy was everywhere at Cedar Point! Rode the major rides, got bruised up, have a couple welts, lots of junk food (Jocelyn and I really went all out on Dippin'Dots)...it was an expensive day...Then I bought Flyin Ace Snoopy from the Snoopy Boutique! and we took pictures in the Pumpkin Patch! It was like being a kid, tossed around...almost literally...that day. I am still a little worn out but it was so worth it! We went to Buffalo Wild Wings afterwards...lots of food...I had caffeine...

Then I had to pee on our ride home...but there were no stops for like an hour because we were in the middle of nowhere and everything was dead.  Managed to make it to civilization and a gas station! the rest of the ride home was smooth...took a few minutes of a nap...then we got to Jennie's house...and then I drove home...very sleepy.

I didn't fall asleep right away...I was sore and overwhelmed by all the excitement of the point so I stayed up watching some really cheesy Jackie Chan movie (Spy next door).

Wednesday morning I met up with them at Easton for brunch at NorthStar Cafe, then bid adieu to Jennie & Eng and spent the next few hours bonding and shoppin with Jocelyn (we hit greaaat sales).  It was so good to catch up and just enjoy good conversation and company!

Came home, chilled...I've been a bum since then pretty much...

Got a call from ODH HR today, I start work July 5! woowoo! finally! Other than that, I'm still trying to figure out my Columbus PH internship...but they're at a conference...so I have to wait...I want to get stuff figured out!

But now, I'm just chilling with my snoopy next to me...probably headed to Tuttle tonight to find more work clothes. Here's the thing, work clothes shopping isn't all that fun because stuff is either really expensive or the styles are so boring! I wish I could work first and then get the clothes with the money I earned instead of clothes then work. Sigh* Oh well, there's a big sale event going on at Banana Republic tonight starting at 5pm, so that's probably what I'll do...scope it out. Then what? I don't know, but I'm going to enjoy the down time to myself :)

Chick Flicks are so unrealistic :(

But sometimes it's nice to dream...

sigh

Internet is so slowww

I so need a new router.

Above and Beyond

Thursday night was a blast, the Above & Beyond show was great.  I felt a little old as it looked like a lot of the audience were in high school, well, as the night began.  After a while, the crowd diversified a lot...

Music was amazing. Above & Beyond is so interactive! and the weather was beautiful.

Friday we went to the Mall...I didn't buy anything but I still enjoyed scoping stuff out. Besides, I had already found deals a few days earlier.  Afterwards, it was storming like crazy.  Of course Josh thought it was some adventure even as half the traffic pulled over to the side on 670 because nobody could see anything. It was raining/storming so we couldn't go to the pool...that, and the pool apparently closes at 10pm :\

Saturday we explored Park Street, North Market, and just wandered Short North.  Saw a really pretty German typewriter at this one store...if I had random money to be spending on decor I so would buy that...The other stores were cool too, and I introduced Josh to Jeni's splendid icecream! his had beer, of course he enjoyed it :P  Then we went to Tony's grad party, then we all went out.  It was a really fun night :) even though we didn't get to bar hop...Next time he's around I'll take him to some of the fun little bars on Short North.  Also, Jennie's new bf is pretty cool.

Woke up very tired. Josh had to go home early to work :( Time goes by way too fast! *sigh*

Anyway, did some errands, bought some paint and canvases...and went to work.  Have a few layers done, now need to make tweaks and add a lot of details/blend and we'll see how it is.  I'll work on it more tomorrow.  May came over not long ago, we went to get more art stuff, for a drive, had dinner, and watched Limitless. Awesome movie. Highly recommended. I am tired. At least now I'll never be bored with my canvas and new paint! got it for 50% off with a coupon too...was really tempted to get the super expensive set...but maybe next time...next time...haha.

Great end to my first year of Graduate school!

Woke up at 5am-ish...had coffee, chilled, and got ready for school.  Traffic was amazing...I managed to hit only green lights all the way down fifth ave, I think that's like five or so lights? I was very excited.  Parking was a breeze, and it wasn't too muggy at 7am, yay! Chitchatted with the girls before the exam started...I hope that exam went well...I know there is at least one problem I totally botched but, hopefully I get partial credits for the follow-up...

Afterwards, a bunch of us went to Hangover Easy on Neil. I think I accidentally gave them the customer copy of my receipt, darn...I guess we'll see what happens online on my credit card bill! I hope they don't tip themselves ridiculously or something because that's just wrong. We'll see what happens.

Hangover easy was so much fun though! it was great to be with fun people, the mimosa hit the spot, and I actually ate melon! the one healthy thing I did today probably.

Afterwards, May and I went to the mall. Work clothes! Bought awesome shirt and dress pants on sale as well as my first pair of jeggings.  The pants were too long for us so I took them in tonight.  If I had a sewing machine it'd look even better but it's good for now. Good deals!

Then we decided to have KFC. Way public health. I was wasting a lot of the chicken bc it was sorta dry on the inside and I felt gross...yet I suppose I saved some of my health ;).  Though, it doesn't really help that I mostly like the skin if it's not a leg.

Went to Wal-Mart to get thread, and shortened my dress pants before I went over to May's to carpool for dinner.  It was May, Randy and I and HBHP kids...of course the HBHP kids decided to go to Bernards instead of stay at Eleven w us, but I think we got the better end of the deal with good food! it was a fun time, we eventually went to Bernard's to meet up with the others, then we introduced Randy to Jeni's ice cream -- about time! though he wasn't super impressed, it's still delicious on such a hot/muggy day.

Then I eventually got back to my apartment and started doing laundry.  I'm really sad that I'm missing a hiking sock. I only have two pairs, only one pair was not super thick...and now it's missing it's partner...I need to get more hiking socks.  At midnight I finally finished laundry, shortening the jeggings, and put laundry away.  I am now enjoying some hulu-time, staying awake without doing anything useful, and enjoying the start of my summer! Looking forward to amazing laziness.

Today I don't feel like doing anything 
I just wanna lay in my bed 
Don't feel like picking up my phone 
Cus today I swear I'm not doing anythin...--Lazy Song-Bruno Mars

Almost through with Spring Qtr 2011!

It's been a pretty good day...

I've been trying to feel a little more energetic lately to promote my whole toning up and being healthier thing.  About half of the time I use the ab ball instead of my computer chair as I do work.  I try to jump around, do some exercises, zumba, stretches, etc.  Just trying to fit it in here and there.

I hope this lasts.

This morning's Epi final was hopefully good.  I made a couple dumb mistakes but I hope that's it.

This week has been a little slow.  Netflix is taking over, I have no motivation for school because there is a mismatch between the amount of work I put forth and what I receive so at this point I don't feel like there's much of a point.  Also, the exams are so particular and detailed, it's pretty easy to miss Something anyway...

Today, I took a nice drive out to Filene's Basement in Dublin.  It is huge! and sort of annoying to navigate. Came out with two belts.  I have been needing a new regular belt because my other one is too small  now :(, another reason I need to work on this health thing.  The drive was nice though, I really enjoy Riverside/Dublin/33 because it is scenic, not slow, and the traffic can be pretty open. Today was just ok in terms of traffic though.

Made myself food, baked cupcakes...I think I'll save those or just bake more for the Biostats final for people.

I eventually managed to make myself study through the material...I am almost done with the new material (had finished cumulative a little while ago).  Now I've gotta make myself buckle down to study tomorrow...then wake up ridiculously early for my 7:30am final on Wednesday! Then what? I don't know...something fun, something relaxing, and maybe some baking/cooking.  I am looking forward to shopping, seeing Josh! and seeing Above and Beyond.

Hopefully Josh is able to get all his work done before Thursday but I'll understand if he can't because that's a lot of work to get done and he's been working so hard! he deserves a break and a good weekend!

Well, finishing up Bachelorette...it's the rose ceremony! Bentley's evil and I'm glad he's gone.

Exercise?

Uninspired

More often than not I've been feeling very uninspired the past few weeks.  I don't feel like I'm here a lot of the time.  Positive things I normally/used to feel about myself, I don't right now.  I know they're not totally true things about myself but I have grounds for feeling them.

I don't feel attractive.  I was doing a decent job of losing the weight I had gained and was making progress towards toning up, but now I've gone back a few blocks again.  I don't know what happened, maybe it's everybody having birthdays to celebrate.  I also don't feel very smart.  School's been hitting me hard and I feel sort of discouraged, and I realize I will not suddenly feel motivated/driven and that it'll be a progress but I wish it would happen faster so I can just make more progress feeling normal again.

I also feel lonely, even though I know I'm not really alone.  It does make me sad that I have no family within driving distance...and even flying would be a hassle.  I realize I have a supportive boyfriend and friends, but I'm still by myself a lot.  Sometimes that's just what I want to do and I enjoy it but sometimes I get too "comfortable" with that and even if I should be out and about, I choose not to, even though I should?  I realize this is just a pity party I am throwing for myself, one that I am the host and party pooper of...

Hopefully I will feel better in the morning...hopefully I will feel productive, and that would give me some joy...to feel like I have a purpose.

I do wish I had someone to come home to, even if it's just something but I don't want to impulsively go out and bring back a pet that I'll later wish I hadn't gotten...

This is a phase, it will get better...but for now, and for a little while...it sort of sucks.

Welcome, Sunshine!

It's a beautiful day and I'm thankful for a break from school! well, mostly a break.

School has still been a struggle lately but I've been making some changes to improve my mood and life.

I replaced my bedding because my comforter-fail (flattened...) was really bothering me and I wanted something more cheery in my room...so I invested in flowery sheets and fluffy down-alternative comforter! both were on sale.

Also at Trish's birthday I got caught in the storm as I went out to get the car to bring it back to pick up my passengers at the Restaurant...and I couldn't see in the rain so I had trouble finding the car, and had trouble getting the car To the restaurant, lol.  I was also really antsy so we went for a drive and went to Wal-Mart where we had adventures.  We were all pretty excited...I never thought I'd actually find cute clothes at Wal-Mart...an accident, and way fun!  That was a good day.

Thursday was OK too.  I worked really hard to be productive and then rewarded myself with a Mimosa! i've also been consumed by my new Netflix account.  There aren't quite as many shows/movies as I had hoped but that's alright.  There's still plenty of good stuff!

I'm looking forward to the rest of my long Memorial day weekend.  Today I'll probably go to the mall (hopefully Whit will be up for it), and tomorrow I'm headed to John Bryan to meet with Josh! I'm super excited, and have plans for what I'm making for our picnic lunch! it'll be really hot outside but at least I'll get sunshine!

I really need exercise. I am so ridiculously out of shape, it is very sad.  But, I also have little self-motivation right now...maybe summer...

Anyway, I still have a lot of homework and I'm discouraged with school as it's just not going the way I want...and I'm really anxious about exams...

For now, I'll just enjoy my weekend as much as I can when I'm not doing homework :)

chronically anxious

My quarter has made a turn for the worse, nothing is going well for now in most of my classes.
Not cool.

I've been stressed which results in loss of appetite which leads to being tired, also not good.  This also leads to more anxiety and vulnerability.  I mean a lot of the stress comes from school but plenty just comes from life outside of that.  That, and I feel sort of alone right now.  I practically live alone and have to make decisions for two people by myself, which results in scams i have to fix. My family is now in China so if I had to turn to them, it would be really difficult. Stress, bleh...that and people sometimes just irritate me lately.

It's sorta messin with my life.  Just trying to let go and chill out. so much to get done.

On the plus side, I got to spend time w Jennie (and her bro) today! it was fun. I am still feeling caffeinated.

I've really missed her. Good to have her home.

daffttt

Daft Punk Mash UP

Fun!

Welcome to Skype, Luke!

Haha, this is what I did instead of studying for my biostats exam at 830am. Oh goody...hahahaha...

Time to studyy! and I'm all packed for the weekend! just about anyway...gotta put up with the fans from the "flood" still though...Yeah, that happened. Not as bad this time, just water in the kitchen...it came from the THIRD floor this time.  At least our maintenance is on site and awesome. They came in the middle of the night on...Monday?

Organized and prepped for the new week!

Have all my paperwork for my ODH job completed and packaged in a large envelope...all ready to be mailed out! I'll do that on the way to campus.

I love how organized my life is/can be right now.  I love how easy it was to transfer my itunes from my pc to my mac...then again itunes is an apple product.

It is such a beautiful day! I'm looking forward to the week (apart from my biostat midterm).  I'll get to go home to Oxford this weekend, too!

Looking forward to what my life has in store for me.

chunk of apple

Update.

I GOT A PAID INTERNSHIP!

I will be working at the Ohio Department of Health downtown for the Bureau of Early Intervention Services as a "college intern."  Got the paperwork from them today, filled it all out and am having one of my professors write a recommendation letter for me (she was really excited to do so!).

I don't remember if I mentioned it on here, but I've told this to many people...as soon as I secured a paying position I was going to invest in a new laptop as my current one was dyiing slowly.  It has lived a good life, although most of it was a struggle because I like to tinker and it just started off with issues.  My Sony Vaio lived four years.  It is still alive, it will still be used for certain things...but now...

I have the new macbook pro.
13.3"

It is so beautiful.  I have been looking at prices and doing research for like 6 months.  It was due time.  Of course, I was really overwhelmed when I was at the store because I have never put this much money down on something.  I mean, I haven't had to before I guess.  Anyway, before tax = $999 @ Microcenter and I got a laptop sleeve (laptop blanket, lol).  Total together? like $1088 (after tax).

I managed to find an awesome macbook pro for 200$ less than retail! good deal, for sure.  Josh cannot dispute that, even though I am sure he will still make fun of me if just for the sake of making fun of me.  That's ok, I didn't do anything wrong and if anything I did get a good deal for a great computer with amazing battery life.

I spend so much time doing schoolwork that I end up cooped up in a room...now I have freedom! I can do homework outside as long as it is not raining.  Makes me feel less lame, for sure.

This will be put to great use this summer with my two positions, both consisting of a lot of projects.  I will have a lot of writing and research to do!

This is why I got Evernote.  Great app thru Apple where I can organize various notebooks containing web links, photos dragged in, text, etc.  It will be great this summer as I have to do research on many assessment tools for domestic violence, childhood obesity, etc.

So much to do! I should be working on homework, especially since I now have an awesome snazzy new computer but I am also very tired and trying not to get sick because everybody has been sick this week.

Next weekend I will be home.  Seeing my parents off.  That will be sad.  But, I will get to see them and I will get to finally spend time with Josh! hopefully by then we both feel healthy.

I've had a good day.  Macbook pro, productive, good conversation, and swans/canadian geese/swallows outside with good weather! Beautiful

beautiful Two Years

Josh just left about half an hour or so ago, Oxford-bound.

This has been such an amazing weekend, and it feels better than ever!

Over the week I worked hard to get as much work done to leave my weekend homework-free!

Friday evening, Josh arrived, just in time for dinner! although he was skeptical about mixing salmon and fruit, he humored me and at least tried them together :) .  It was a very quiet evening.  We stayed in and time just flew by.  I fell asleep as he watched Monty Python though. Of course! I always fall asleep during late movies.

Saturday morning, woke up relatively early for a weekend.  He was actually pretty perky, unusual for his mornings.  The day started out very chill as it sprinkled lightly outside.  Worked on some of his resume editing and job searches/applications, talked, and then headed to Easton.  Man, Easton was quite crowded! and I wore an awesome dress, despite the cold.  He bought me a very pretty flower "charm" for my purse and it fits me so well :) .  Then we had Mongolian "bbq" and it was quite a fun experience! There were high schoolers eating before prom, families, older people...such a wide range of demographics!  the food was delicious, and the drink was overly tasty as it made me sleepy.  It was very cold after dinner. Very. But, I know we looked good so it was worth it, ha ha.

On the way back, stopped by Blockbuster and rented Inception (FINALLY). He worked on some homework, then we watched the movie.  SO TRIPPY! I dozed off for a few moments, a few times, but he made sure to look over at me and wake me up if I ever had my eyes closed, and to make sure I wasn't sleeping.  So I was able to watch probably 95% of the movie, but I followed, and I wasn't really much more confused than him about it.  Really enjoyed the movie! and was exhausted from the day.

Sunday...late morning, a more typical morning.  Eventually we headed out into the beautiful sunshine to the Columbus Zoo! Wore a fun outfit and I am thankful the wind did not cause me to flash anybody.  It is a pretty awesome skirt as despite its short length, it manages to stay down.

Such a fun day! I wish I had taken more pictures, or at least gotten one of us with the kangaroos or something.  We only had two hours at the zoo...and we managed to see ALL but the aquarium (I was more interested in cute cuddlies :-D )...and managed to fit in snack time.  I love the zoo! it was our first time there, and we had a lot of fun.  Saw old favorites and new favorites.

Arctic Fox
Brown Bear
Polar Bear
Flamingos
Kangaroo
Otters

and many more! but the above are my favorites.

Too bad they don't have giraffes. They were certainly missing giraffes.  But Josh had a good point, they are too big and would be too cold in Ohio.

That's why I think they should make giraffe pants. Warm pants! Gir-pants!

Which reminds me. I want to go to the circus next month.
I also want to watch Water for Elephants next week.

I will probably be home next weekend, as my family leaves for China in like 3 weeks but in two weeks I have a TON of schoolwork...it will not be pretty and I can't even do that early.  This week, I can probably manage to cram everything together. Somehow. Either way, this is probably my last decent shot.

It's been an amazing weekend and a beautiful two years of growth and closeness.  This weekend just felt so right and I am not sure how else to describe it.  I could do this all the time :) .So comfortable, fun, and encouraging.  I am looking forward to the future.

Birth order and matching

Birth Order Affects Your Love Life

Oldest Child: Best match: The youngest child. “It’s a case of opposites attracting,” says Dr. Leman. “You help the last-born be more organized, and the last-born helps you lighten up.”


Only Child (was only child until I was an adult): Best match: Youngest child, because you balance each other out. The baby of the family adds spontaneity and romance, while you make sure you two aren’t dining by candlelight because the electric bill never got paid. 


Youngest Child: Best match: Either the oldest child (they serve as a good counterbalance in a parent-child sort of way) or middle child (they value friendships, so they totally understand why you love being the life of the party). 

Hulu

April Fools from Hulu :)

The real world is coming faster than expected

This is how I would describe my MPH Epi program so far:

Fall Quarter 1: Oh, take a bunch of intro classes, a lot of review, not really do anything important.  What is the point? This is going to be so easy!

Winter Quarter 1: What is going on?! It started out looking like it would be easy, but everything was revisited and approached from a more real-life perspective with a lot of derivations, explanations, etc.  It was a little more confusing but not necessarily really difficult.  And SAS? oh goodness...talk about confusion.  But, a satisfying experience with the program in the end knowing that it is very useful and could help me get a job.

Now I am in Spring Quarter 1: This takes it all to a new level.  Everything is like scenarios of real things we would have to do in future career such as sifting through huge packs of information to find outputs to interpret, understand, and draw conclusions from.  It is very time consuming and takes a lot of mental organization.  It's like...here, we're going to throw this information at you, and you have to find a way to figure it out with very minimal notes.  I mean, we get notes...but they only help so much with the homework.  I've been scouring the internet for resources to help understand what it is I'm doing, trying to make sense of it all so I can answer the research questions.

I am now taking 20 credit hours.

Some of my classes are not going to be much work, but all of my classes will require a lot of reading and/or writing with most of them needing a lot of comprehensive analysis and such...

This will be a very busy, hectic quarter.

Still trying to touch base with my preceptor for my practicum this summer.  I hope she didn't bail on me because my advisor (who is currently in Europe) OK'd my practicum (with hesitation).  That, and hopefully dad successfully gets the SAS program to me this weekend so I can start working with data from NHANES in addition to my lit reviews to get a feel for my culminating project.  I also need to finish reading my journals for my lit review about NHANES and the research I am interested in.  Then meet with a lot of professors to figure stuff out such as how to use the database appropriately, how to use SAS better, and how to interpret things.  AH SO MUCH TO DO.

THENNN...I have two real classes only Fall Quarter 2.  The next quarter I'll be taking courses.  And I'll be adding the hours for my practicum and curriculum that quarter too as I work on my project and stuff.

Then...I"M DONE? WHAT? REALLY?

I NEED TO FIND A JOB TO STAY IN CBUS. I want to find a research assistant job because:
1) I doubt I'll find one in a field I am interested enough in.
2) I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere somewhere strange.
3) I am not ready to be tied down by a job, I want to figure out my life to know where I should live and stuff.
4) I need more experience before I get thrown in to do everything myself!

AHHHH!!!

And I'm still sick.  Waiting for my strep test to get back.  Either I do not have strep or it is not done.  Pretty positive I have strep.

WHERE ARE MY ANTIBIOTICS? gahhh...

I can't sleep. The mornings are awful because I'm sick.

AHhhh so much work to think about, and pleeeennnttyyy of work I need or should do.

Under the weather

Today will be quite a day. A full day of straight class...and I'm sick, and I'm fairly certain I have strep as the slow culture tested positive for Josh just yesterday.  Plenty of time for me to get Strep and I have had the symptoms for  like 24 hours or so now with feeling weakish before then. I'm doomed.

I found a doctor that takes my insurance.  But of course, like everything else...care is by appointment.  At least now I've learned my lesson. OSU is not in my network. OSU health care for me is very expensive. Bye bye money.

I compared prices for treatment on my insurance's site. Hopefully this place isn't sketch. But, all I want is to not be contagious and to feel better.  They have to at least be competent as they have lab tests available. This is my assumption anyway. I can't even call until my break during my first Biostat class as their office isn't open til 9am...then I also doubt I'll be able to get an appointment in TODAY. I hope they can, because this is important...but I also don't get out of class til 3:18, I could possibly get to the place by 4pm...they close at 5pm. Dangit, it'll be nearly impossible to get in today because this is the first day of class for these courses...and they all sent e-mails saying how important today would be...OSU is not very nice, not even their student health centers...no benefits from them, Miami didn't require appointments...ugh...and my insurance could be used...ugh...

Poor Josh...he handled being sick rather well..because right now, I feel pretty miserable.

At least it's not going to rain today. Man, that'd really put me under the weather...

Now I'm not sure if I'll be able to swallow the sandwich I made for my lunch.

I have also packed fruit though...and cough drops (with menthol) and Robitussin cough suppressant stuff...that better help...oh, I must pack ibprofen.

here's to a very long day...